On our own...

This has been an interesting week to say the least. One week ago an important member of our family left for another business trip. We survived last week, but man, I overschedule majorly! I was absolutely exhausted by Thursday morning and it was not my proudest mommy moment. I hate those. Thankfully I had a lovely morning with a new friend and all was well by the time Dave made it home. Delanah was just too adorable when Dave pulled into the driveway; ran out to the car, arms outstretched yelling "Dada, Dada!" It brought tears to my eyes, she missed him SO much.

We had him home for about 22 hours before he left on his next trip. Had to wake the wee one from her nap so she could say bye. We had a chance to talk before he left and he asked if I was okay. Am I okay? That's a hard question to answer. If I was on my own? Sure, I'll miss him, but I know I'll be fine. When she was younger, sure, it was hard, but we managed. Now......I just don't know. She knows he's gone. One of the first things out of her mouth this morning was "Where's Daddy?" Talk about breaking my heart when I had to tell her that he was working. I hate that she misses him so much and that the one thing that she really wants and needs is the one thing I can't give her. So am I okay? Not really. I'm Mommy, I'm supposed to make everything better and I can't.

So.....I get to make things really fun for her. Did you know that you could get a toddler really excited about cleaning cupboards? It's awesome!!! This morning we dismantled her crib, she was the best little helper, rearranged her room and vacuumed and straightened up upstairs. Productive, made it fun for her and not once did she ask about Daddy. Now if I can just figure out the rest of the week....

I can't do it all.....

So here it is again, a little after 6 am, I have been up since 2:15am after falling asleep around 11pm. I have an incredibly full day today, Sunday school followed by a quick turn around to a play date downtown, then I need to be ready and available for a sharing session with Dave and then I have committed myself to treating a friend. I am so damn tired. So tired that I often feel nauseated; so tired that I don't have the energy/patience to be the mom I want to be for Delanah; so tired that I have a hard time finding the good in my life. I hate being this tired. I hate not sleeping. I hate the dark thoughts that creep into my head when I'm like this.

Is there a medical reason for my insomnia? Not sure, but I don't think so. I think it's all stress. Stress from all the tasks/people towering over me. When do I get time where I don't have to think about someone else's needs? Why do I feel guilty thinking that way? Oh, sure, I've been told to take some time to myself, but does anything helpful get done while I'm gone? No. I've now just wasted several hours when I could have been completing tasks at home and now I need to factor in when I can get those done. I was told Friday to go to MOPS and then the fabric store with my mom. I came home to laundry sitting, unfolded, on my bed, dirty laundry thrown on the floor of the laundry room (vs the basket a mere 2 feet away), none of the promised vacuuming done, dirty clothes (potty training accident) left in a bathroom sink (that's always fun), no messes cleaned up....awesome. So my "relaxing" time away was now looked at with jaded eyes as I see that I should have stayed home to clean as now I have to factor time in for that somewhere else in my day.

Today I get to teach Sunday school, attend a play date, muster enthusiasm listening to D tell me about his weekend of reflection away from his everyday stress, and then treat a friend as promised. Oh, and clean, plan every meal, and figure out what phone calls I need to make tomorrow to set up the rest of the week.

I am tired, so tired. And when I get this way it is very hard for me to find the good in my life. I am irritable, short, grouchy and apparently ready for a battle. My DH has been at a Men's Retreat this weekend through our church; I should be so happy for him and rejoicing that he is making some much needed strides in his faith, but here I sit, irritated as heck because I have had not the greatest weekend, I have had no time off from my job and stressors and I know that in one week I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks. When is it my turn? When do I get to renew myself? When do I get to sleep? Have 5 hours off in a day for reflection knowing that things are actually getting accomplished at home?

I feel like I am in one of those taffy pulling machines. I am getting stretched thinner and thinner, I haven't broken, yet, but I am so close.......