Sleeplessness

So here we go again, only 2:10am right now...last "night" it was 4:30am before I got to sleep...good thing Delanah is still quite tired and let mommy get some sleep this morning! This is really starting to get annoying. This morning I was so bone tired that I really didn't think I was going to make it through the day, but as my wise mom said I would, I found the energy from somewhere and Delanah and I had quite a lovely day :) We even got a crib nap in...yay!!!! She was just so happy and giggly and wanted to play today. She is doing so well playing by herself! I was able to not only make a sandwich, but eat it too! In one go! That is so unusual...funny things happen when mommy realizes her baby has been playing her :) We even made it to Target today to get some things and had a lot of fun dancing in the aisles. She was in her Ergo (one of the best inventions of all time) and just loved looking around and interacting with me. I was even able to get dinner started and as we ate on time, we took a family walk! So why is my mind racing keeping me awake and why do I feel like I am falling so far behind?
Because when I wake up in the mornings, as I go through my day and before I fall asleep at night (when I was actually sleeping that is), I see everything that still is left undone. The master bathroom (seriously, over 2 years! This has got to be a joke), the guest bathrooms, the laundry area, the back "yard", the front entry, the pictures that aren't hung, the floorboards still just placed on the wall. Am I blessed, more than I can say. So why do these things bother me so much? I think it's a pride thing. When we were in Australia, I walked through neighborhoods that weren't rich, didn't have huge houses, but were so neat and tidy and simply lovely to look at. The owners had pride in their homes. Where is our pride? Why do things get left on the front porch until I get fed up and remove them? Why do we still have tools that haven't been used since Delanah was born cluttering our back porch? Why do I feel like I am a tape stuck on repeat when I ask when a promised project is truly going to be done? I am no saint, I am just as guilty in falling behind on things. It just gets overwhelming at times. I just give up to be honest. Why worry if the master bathroom vanity is clear if the bathroom cannot be used? Why try to keep the kitchen clean if the bar area is just going to continue to be cluttered with unfiled papers?
It seems I am doing a tit for tat game here. The floorboards are still not finished, so why should I have the living room clean when you get home. The counter is still cluttered, so why should I have to have dinner ready. The "scary corner" is impassable, so why should I have to vacuum over there for you? Admitting to myself what I have been doing is the first step...now I need to get over it and move on. I hate to say it, but the past dictates the future and I really don't think these promised projects are going to get finished. I need to figure out how we can budget it and get a handyman in here. I think we could have everything done in about 2 days, I just can't do it myself. I need to ask my neighbor who she has used and go from there. I want pride in my house! I don't want guests to see the bare patches on the walls. I don't want them asking to see the bathroom that I am beginning to think will never be done. I, myself, don't want to look around and see all the flaws. I just want the projects finished!
Since we came home everything is just hitting me. As I try to fall asleep my mind races with everything that needs to be done the next day, and then I realize that I won't be able to get everything done and the anxiety rises and next thing you know, I am pouring everything out onto the computer. Oh vicious cycle!