1st Halloween!

Today was Delanah's first Halloween. This time last year I was one week away from having her in my arms...amazing how quickly this year passed by. So many "firsts", too many to count. Will I cry next week at her birthday or be too wrapped up in the little things to truly enjoy it? I hope I take the time to stand back, breathe and take it all in. Two years ago I was trying to find my feet as a new physical therapist, now I am trying to raise a daughter the best way I possibly can. I learn new things daily; about myself, about parenting, about that gorgeous little bundle of energy.

Today/tonight was not about getting candy, spending time with strangers, it was about family and I loved it. Delanah got to spend time with grandparents she rarely gets to see, I got to spend time with the parents who raised the man I love...what a great day. Okay, I admit, this morning was spent cleaning :) I wanted to make sure to get all the "dirty work" done so I wouldn't have to worry about it during the week. I feel so accomplished! Now if I could just figure out how to keep my neighbors from pounding on the walls and take away Dave's cold....

Let it snow!

Going on 48 hours here of snow, and I love it! We have over 2 feet of snow in the back yard and I think it's about 2 feet of snow in the front as well. You can barely see the Murano, and that's no small car! Poor Bay is almost getting lost in the snow, and she's not a little thing!
Delanah and I have been having a great time in the house. What a little tornado she is! Yup, can't wait till she starts walking! I barely have time to pick up one mess before she's on to the next thing. This morning she discovered that playing in Bailey's water bowl was great fun...not for me or Bailey, but she sure loved it :) In between cuddles and stories and dancing and chasing I have been getting the house ready for my in-laws! By this time tomorrow they should be here! You know, I blame the snow on them, last time they were here we had a freak snow fall as well...hmmm...coincidence? They are in for a treat when they land!

A few weeks ago I hit a slump. Being home was overwhelming, I had lost a sense of self. Add that to Dave traveling a lot and it was a recipe for disaster. Dave and I managed to talk things out, a nice, long phone call to a good friend together, a nice talk and walk with another friend and rereading "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" and I feel renewed. How could I even start to question who I was when I have the most important job? I have been on a tear making sure I get the house clean, have our days more organized and focus on really spending time with Delanah. Things aren't perfect, but they are getting better. This week I tried out 2 new recipes and they were a success! This afternoon Delanah and I are going to make some "healthy" cookies together and I almost have the house in the shape that makes me happiest...clutter free! Amazing how a new perspective, some sleep and some energy can change everything.

I have the best dog!

So Delanah has been in love with Bailey since the moment she noticed her. Since the crawling began 2 weeks ago poor Bay has been chased around our first floor more times than I can count. She's such a good sport! I do step in and give her a break, but Delanah is fast!!! Now, Bailey isn't completely innocent in all of this...if there has been a long period of time when Delanah's attention in elsewhere, Bay has been known to seek her out :) Bay is there to greet Delanah in the mornings and after naps, kissing her hand as Delanah reached through her crib to her. She is concerned when Delanah cries and tries her best to comfort her. When we take walks Delanah will periodically call out to her and reach out her hand and Bay will turn and give her a kiss. She's just an awesome dog.
Delanah has really been pushing the envelope with feeding Bay. During snack time Delanah tries her hardest to share with Bailey. I am not okay with that and Bay, awesome dog that she is, keeps her distance. During meals Bay is not allowed in the room, not so much because of begging, but because when Delanah can hear or see Bailey, all of the sudden a lot of her meal goes over the side of her high chair tray to the dog. Oye! She loves that dog!
Tonight was another first. Delanah was playing under the stairs, Bay was eating her dinner and I was in the living room. As long as I could hear Delanah playing and Bay eating, I knew things were good. I could still hear the food noises (kibble hitting the side of the her metal bowl), but realized I could no longer hear Delanah playing. I assumed that she was on the prowl and stalking Bay again; she figured out almost as soon as she started crawling, that she has almost unlimited access to petting Bay while she was eating. So as I round the corner, there's Bay, looking very forlorn and pacing, and there is Delanah, sitting next to Bailey's bowl and surrounded by dog kibble. My darling daughter had booted Bay from her dinner and was grabbing food from the blown and placing it on the floor.
I am so proud of Bailey! We were waiting for this day. Delanah is her mothers daughter and I apparently used to boot our dog from her bowl to play in her food as well. Now, I trust Bailey, as much as I trust any dog, but she is still a dog and should not be left alone with Delanah. Bay proved her wonderful demeanor again tonight when she merely stepped aside and waited patiently for someone to come and rescue her dinner for her. As soon as I scooped Delanah up Bay gave a grateful look and went back to her dinner. When she was done, she came over for some cuddles from myself and give kisses to Delanah. What a great dog we have!

So sad...

I got word tonight that little Matthew passed away this past Saturday. All day my heart was so heavy, thinking of them. How do you go on from something like this?
I have been in contact with some of the moms who have been talking to her more than I and the word is that she wants people around so she has something to distract her. I think back to what her mom mentioned to me last Friday, that Val was hanging on, but she was expecting her to break soon. For 4 long weeks she was the strong one, fighting for her baby, willing him to recover and stay with her. I don't know if she will see right now how strong she had to be to let him go, but I hope she will see that in the future. She is going to be around this week and I am going to call her and see if she wants to meet. Anything I can do to help. I just hope seeing Delanah won't hurt her too much.

Can't stop thinking about it...

Thursday and Friday of this week I went and visited Val and took some dinner to her and her family. I met Matthew for the first time Thursday night and I did exactly what I hoped I wasn't going to do...I cried. Now me, I cry, when I'm happy, sad, frustrated, tired, I tear up. But not everyone knows that. The reason I cried on Thursday wasn't because I was shocked by the medical equipment, it was because Matthew looked so perfect. I have been in enough hospitals and around enough injuries that I tend to not see things like ventilators and IV's as "abnormal" or scary. I see the person.
12 weeks old is still a small baby. He looked like he was sleeping...almost. My heart was just breaking. Why? Why this little boy? Why this young mom? I didn't stay too long, it was just too hard for me and the last thing needed there was for Val to feel uncomfortable. The next day I decided to try my hand at making Manicotti. I must say I did a pretty darn good job! I took some over to Val and her family again. I know how much I hated eating out when we were in Canada the last time, I can't imagine living off of hospital food for nearly a month. I can't do much, but I can offer what I have to give, prayer and dinner.
There were a few other ladies there this time and the atmosphere was more relaxed. There was laughter, story telling and the entire time one woman was stroking Matthews head and another his foot. Can he hear us? I don't know. Can he feel the love and prayers? I don't know. I was glad to be there, to show this time that his condition didn't scare me, that I was more comfortable. I said a little prayer and touched his head before I left. Today they were making some decisions, Matthew may or may not stay at the hospital, he may or may not stay here with us on Earth. It was a family day for them today. I kept my distance, but they are weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Are they okay? What a silly question; how can you be okay in a situation like this?
To make things even more difficult, Val has almost nowhere to turn. The media has gotten hold of the case and are hounding the hospital. She can no longer go online, everything she says can, and most likely will, be used against her. While I was there I noticed she had pictures of her husband still up. She spoke of him as well. How does one wrap your mind around the fact that your baby most likely will not live and it is because of the hands of your husband? A news station printed the police report of him confessing what he did. Why did I read it? I can't give a good answer, but I am sorry I did. The things he did to that baby were horrible. How can you disregard such a tiny, precious life?

I hate that we met under these circumstances, but after so much prayer, I feel that I am being called to support her. Why me? Why not me? Things are going to get more difficult before they get better and I can only do what I know how...continue to pray for guidance and trust in the Lord.

Crawling!

So today was an interesting day....before noon, and with an hour nap in there, Delanah managed to bang her head, draw on her pants and shirt with a pen, add some charges to my cell phone (I didn't even know it had some of the features she found), turn on my cell phone, put a bowl with some yogurt still in it on her head (very messy) and discover the baby in the mirror and then proceed to fog the mirror with her breath and then lick the mirror. What a morning!
We did manage to hit the play group and the library (woo-hoo!). No afternoon nap, she has her mother's stubborn streak. Right before Dave got home we had some fun with toes. She scooted herself over to my feet, her snak trap still in hand, and was cracking herself up by grabbing my toes. I would wait until she grabbed them and then wiggle them and she thought that was hilarious. As she scooted over to the bag of library books, she left a trail of crumbs. Before Dave arrived with Bay I vacuumed the rug but didn't have time to put the vacuum away. Delanah has this strange fascination with the vacuum. Anyhoos, Dave, the vacuum and I were on one side of the room and Delanah on the other. We were chatting and watching her when lo and behold she gets on all 4's and crawls to the vacuum!!!!!! What the heck!!! I didn't expect to get so emotional about it. I actually cried! Little stinker! We knew she would just up and do things on her schedule, but seriously, she must have been practicing in her crib!

Hands

I miss having pretty hands. My hands are so dry and seem so utilitarian now. I admit, I look with jealousy at women with nicely manicured hands. It just doesn't seem worth it right now when I have diapers to change, objects to fish out of mouths, dinners to make, laundry to wash, etc, etc, etc. One day.....

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Yesterday we were at 75F, today, right now, there is snow falling. Gotta love Colorado! Yesterday we were able to get out and play at a pumpkin patch, so at least we got to enjoy the warm weather. We also had a nice family walk last night :)
The pumpkin patch was..."interesting". It was through another meetup.com group I am in, I have only been to one other event. Anyhoos, not the friendliest bunch yesterday. There was a couple there who we met before, and they didn't even acknowledge me! Granted, I wasn't in the mood to ask questions and pretend to be interested in the answers, so we stayed and played a little and then booked it home. I might try the group again at a later date, but we'll see. I like my Friday play group. The ladies are great, the kiddos are great, just a good time. Tomorrow there are more moms coming, which is great, but their kids are a bit older and I am worried Delanah will be left in the dust. I say don't mess with a good thing, but you never know, maybe I'll really click with one of the new moms!

So yesterday I watched a Dr. Phil on teenage girls and promiscuity. Oh my goodness I was shocked into silence! That's pretty hard to do! Girls as young as 10 getting recruited by older teen girls to prostitute themselves...kids having intercourse on the dance floor at school dances...seriously! Dave thinks we should move to Dubai when Delanah gets older :) It just made me realize what a huge job I have ahead of me. It's my job to make sure that I teach Delanah to respect herself, that modesty is a good thing, that conducting yourself as a lady will attract a much better man. There are so many pressures on kids these days and it's such a big responsibility as a parent. When Delanah was only a few days old Dave started reading the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" and I love that he is preparing himself now. We are also looking into a class through church that is going to help guide us in activities we can do with her to introduce her the God and the bible. I think we're starting a good foundation...but man, there are a lot of obstacles out there.

MOPS!

Yesterday was so big in so many ways. Other than Delanah uttering "mama" for the first time, I experienced my first MOPS meeting! It was also Delanah's first time in a daycare setting. Big day for both! I really, really enjoyed the meeting. We had a speaker sharing ways that we could bring devotionals and teachings into our home. We had some discussion questions afterwards and I think that was the best thing for me.
I always feel a little out of place in church. I mean, I identify myself as a Christian, but some times I feel so inadequate. I feel as if everyone around me knows the answers to the questions, that there is some secret to becoming a better Christian and I just don't know what that is. I want to raise Delanah knowing the Lord, but how do I do that if I am not confident myself? As we were sharing, I took a leap and mentioned something that is heavy on my heart. Dave is not a very active Christian and sometimes, most of the time, I feel that he only goes to church and prays before meals because I do. I had always wanted to marry a Christian, and when I met Dave, he hadn't gone to church...well...since he was baptized as an infant! It wasn't important to his family to practice their faith, but they claimed their denomination anyway. Once we met, he became interested in his denomination and started attending services and the next thing I know I get a phone call and he tells me that he is getting confirmed in his faith the next day, but couldn't understand why I was upset about that. I wouldn't have been upset if he had shared with me that he knew, understood, practiced his faith and comprehended the depth of what getting confirmed meant. I thought then, and still think now, that he assumed that's what people do, it was the next step in life, a checked box, not the spiritual commitment that I take it to be.
Even now I am surprised by what he believes. He has chosen to believe that Satan does not exist, because how can God allow something like that? That statement sent chills through me...how can you protect yourself from something you won't recognize as existing? Anyhoos, as we were sharing in our groups about what steps we are going to take to introduce the bible and our faith to our children in our home, I shared that Dave was not in the same place in his faith that I was. I honestly feel like every time I walk into church that we are the only couple experiencing that. Well...almost every single woman at that table shared the same thing!!!!! Some shared that their husbands want nothing to do with God at all anymore. In that, I am thankful, Dave still wants to learn, is still open to knowing the Lord. I am blessed and I need to start focusing on what I have, not what I don't.
I am looking forward to sharing this year with these ladies. My table has 7 people and they are just so nice. What a great group!

So sad...

I read just this week about a young mom who experienced I think every moms nightmare. She left her 8 week old baby boy at home with her husband/his father to do some grocery shopping. Many stay at home moms can understand this...so much easier to get that chore done without the baby in tow. She gets a call 1/2 way through her shopping from her husband telling her that their son had stopped breathing. She gets home to find her house surrounded by police and fire vehicles and discovers her son has already been whisked away to the hospital. Once there, she and her husband get taken, individually, to be questioned. A policeman comes to her and lets her know that it was most definitely a case of shaken baby syndrome and when she asks, is told that her husband has been taken to jail.
The prognosis is not good for her little boy. It has been almost 3 weeks since the incident and she has been told many times that her little angel will not survive once life support is taken away. I cannot even begin to fathom what she is going through. To have your precious child harmed in such a vicious manner and the person you want to turn to the most is the one who caused the harm....how do you survive? She turned to an online community (one through which I have met many great ladies in real life) and asked for prayers. I wish there was more I could do, but I truly believe in the power of prayer.
How do you start? As a mom, I want to pray only for the miraculous recovery of her son. There is only one who could do this, and if it is His will, it will be done. But there I am caught...if it's His will. What if it's the Lords will that this little boy come home to Him? What then? I find myself having an ever changing prayer...praying for the recovery of Matthew, praying for the safe passing of Matthew, praying for the strength of his mom, Val. I have yet to pray for the dad....I really don't know where to start there. I cannot imagine shaking a baby so tiny, so innocent, yet I know it happens every day by people who are pushed to their breaking point. His life is gone, his wife, his son, gone to him. But I cannot bring myself to include him in my prayers. What kind of Christian does this make me?
For those who may come across this blog, please include a precious little baby boy, Matthew, and his mother, Val in your prayers. They need so much right now.

mama!!!!

Yesterday, a little after 1pm MST, Delanah said "Mama" for the first time! I was in the kitchen getting our water ready and she was in the living room. It wasn't mamamamama...no, it was most definitely "mama" Woo-hoo!!!! I have been waiting for this for so long! We know she knows who I am , but hearing it from her mouth, it is the best feeling in the world! She said "Dada" first, well, technically, I think "Ba" is her first word, that's what she calls Bailey :)

Let's see...an update on Delanah...she is cutting 3 teeth, to left uppers and the middle right. I think they will show themselves in the next 48 hours. Poor thing has been in some pain, but we are using apples and pears and teethers to soothe her little gums. I've been bitten a few times, but nothing major, so I consider myself incredibly lucky :) No crawling, we still have a super crawler! She gets into the crawl position but goes backwards...and looks so incredibly confused by it! She loves standing, but doesn't seem interested in walking. We found out last week that Dave didn't crawl until about 11 months and didn't walk until 15 months. Looks like she's following in Daddy's footsteps!

This Monday is our 7th Anniversary. Wow....7 years....somedays it seems like just yesterday that we were newlyweds, and look where we are now. Next spring it will have been 10 years since we met, that's just incredible to me, I have known Dave 1/3 of my life...wow. G-ma and G-pa are coming up tomorrow to watch Delanah so Dave and I can head out and have an anniversary dinner together. Our second dinner alone since she was born almost year ago...we really need to get out more.