Death of a friendship?

When a friendship ends, is it quickly? Slowly? Is there a lot of noise or does it just sort of fade quietly? Most of my friendships remind me of swells in the ocean, sometimes they're a huge presence in my life, at other times they are more in the background, but still present. Those are the friendships that last, and have lasted, for years. The friendships I have the hardest time with are the needy ones. Hmmm...is needy the right word? I mean the kind that are constant presence dependent; if you are there and available daily, the friendship seems to "work", if you are not available for every phone call/text/email, things begin to change.

I am always sad initially when I see a friendship begin to fade, but I need to step back and evaluate the situation. Do I have the time and energy to devote to this one relationship? How is this relationship affecting my life? Sometimes it's worth the fight, sometimes you need to let it go. I am at the letting go stage in one friendship, and I almost feel like a spectator, watching it fade away. I don't think it will ever be gone completely, but I don't see it returning to how it was.

This upcoming international move has been stressful in many areas, and I don't see that stress abating anytime soon. I know I am going to have to rely on friends and their offers of help, which is hard for me to do, but I can't do it alone. What is becoming so evident to me is that I have some wonderful people in my life. I have my core group of friends offering all the support they can give and demonstrating understanding when I have other chores taking me away from play dates and phone calls. I have periphery friends who have come out of the shadows and offering help that I never expected. It's humbling to have so many people wanting to help us with this move.

Yes, it is sad to see a friendship come to an end, but having so many others offer their support has lifted my spirit. I am very blessed.

Sleep?

Sometimes I feel like I will never sleep again. My house is quiet right now, after some rough starts, my beautiful family is asleep. Poor DG had a hiccup with waking up crying, but after some cuddles and a story she has drifted off to dream again. My wonderful husband is fighting a bug and struggling to get decent sleep. Me? I am exhausted beyond words and still awake...why? Sigh....such is my lot right now it seems.

I am in my second week of work now and I love it! I get nervous the night before I work, afraid that my skills are not up to par, that I'll do something horribly wrong, etc. Once I am in the clinic I feel comfortable, in my element. I enjoy my patient load (growing all the time) and there are some challenges in there for me! I am remembering how much of a headache it is to deal with insurance and doctors...oye! Glad I'm just a contract worker and don't have any more interactions with them than I do! Delanah had a great day at daycare today making me feel a little less guilty about working. Yay!

Things are progressing towards our move to Melbourne. The official announcement has come out in the company, we can finally tell people! There's been a positive response from work friends, I've even received some texts :) Shoot, even my new coworkers are excited for me; that's a nice benefit I wasn't expecting. Tomorrow I get to wade through the paperwork to get Piper a place to live and get the ball rolling for Bailey's trip. So many things to do! Now that the announcement is out, I guess I don't get to pretend that it's not really happening anymore :)

Okay, I must get some sleep. Tomorrow we get to play with bubbles in the sink and make cookies. I love having fun mother/daughter days!

Insomnia

Yes, this is a subject I have visited before and it's back in my life again, in a bad way. Last night I was unable to fall asleep until 3:30. Looks like I am going for later than that tonight! Sigh.....

This afternoon, as I was sharing my insomnia woes with my hair dresser, she said that it was like I had the tasmanian devil in my head at night. That's the perfect description! I am fine all day, waiting for the chance to head to bed and get some much needed sleep, but when that time comes, all my fears/anxieties/stressors come out of the woodwork. This is brutal! After being sick all last week, I am ready to have a relaxing weekend and de-stress. Maybe get some things done around the house. But no. I spend my nights anxious because I am not asleep and I spend my days trying to stay awake. Vicious, very vicious.

The topics of the moment? Everything that has to do with this move. Can I get Piper into the Gabriel Foundation? How do I select a pet relocation service? How do I know that they're going to help me get Bailey into Australia? When are we going to move? When is Dave going to start traveling? Am I going to be getting this family ready for an international move alone? Is Dave going to move to Melbourne before us? Am I going to be a single parent? How am I going to get this done and work? Do I have the skill set to work? Am I going to be able to get enough sleep in to work? What about all the small details that are required for the move? Is Dave going to understand my concerns? Is he going to help me? Am I going to do this on my own? How?

Yeah, that's a lot of stuff to be whirling around your head while you're trying to sleep. I wish we had no plans for tomorrow. I wish we could hang out here as a family and process everything that's going on. But no, we are going to some friends for dinner. Church in the morning, home for lunch, then I have errands to try to run, then off to dinner, home, tired, another sleepless night as nothing has been resolved. And then Dave is gone for the week. It just doesn't sound fun to me. I wonder if I can manipulate things a little. I can't have an entire week of Dave and I not talking about these details.

Yes, I get caught up in details. It's my personality. We don't have to like it, but we have to deal with it. Oye....I hate insomnia.

I hate not sleeping

So, thanks to stress, for the past week I have been unable to sleep before 1-2am. Awesome. Unfortunately DG has not gotten the memo that I need to sleep in past 6:30am. Sigh..... When am I going to get a break? I really think I need to look into some sleep study programs. This is just crazy and I feel like I am my breaking point.

I am finally feeling healthy again and would love to be able to rest and make sure that I really do get completely healthy. Last week was not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Do I get to rest tomorrow? Of course not! That would be too easy. Instead I get to do 2 things that are fun and a crap load of things not fun. I am fasting right now (note to self, do not eat a veggie burger as your last meal if you're going to fast, they don't last long at all) in order to experience the joy of a glucose tolerance test. No appointment scheduled, so I get to sit in a very unclean feeling waiting room with heaps of people tomorrow morning waiting for my sugar drink. Last Saturday there was one person before me and I still had to wait almost 45min to get blood drawn....SOOOO excited to do this after my stomach has been growling for hours on end (started growling at midnight - haven't figured out how to sleep through that yet). My plan is to stake out my place in line before they even open in the morning, we'll see how well that goes. While I let the sugar percolate in my blood stream I get to share the moving news with someone I considered a friend. I say considered as apparently I have committed some kind of faux paux that has her cutting me out of her scheduled play dates. Do I really need to put myself through this? My plan was to let her find out with everyone else on facebook, but that could make for an uncomfortable 5 months for the rest of my friends and I. Sigh...... With my short time between sugar drink and blood draw I think it's going to be a dump and run...dump the news and run back to get blood drawn so I can eat! Not ideal, but I want to be able to announce to move by the end of the weekend and this has to be done.

I think I will head home for some food, then back out again to get my hair cut, I need to get some pants for work, and then home again possibly in time to get a nap in before we have our afternoon BBQ guests arrive. Sometime tomorrow evening we need to call my in-laws and share the news, call my BIL and share the news and convince DG that taking less than an hour to get to bed is preferable. I am already dreading Saturday........

Why does sleep escape me? Why does this insomnia stick around? Why can I only think about quieting my still growling stomach? Seriously, I could never do a cleanse diet, I hate feeling hungry!