Kind of lost

I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment. We are down to less than 2 weeks until we move and I am the emotions are starting to come. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping, but man, I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat, and often I do! I'm going through the "lasts"...last visit to a certain park, last visit to a certain store, etc. I hate "lasts". They bug me, yet I can't help but do them!

This weekend was our last visit to Meemaw and Papa's house before the move. Well, technically D will be staying there a few days next week and we'll be there the night before we fly out, but it was the last relaxed weekend there before the move. It was tough being the one who had to keep it together. Mom and Dad are going to miss D so much. It doesn't help that she doesn't understand that Meemaw and Papa aren't going to be as close at the new house. It's going to be pretty darn tough explaining to her why we can't hop into the car and see them on the weekends. Yup, pretty sucky when all I wanted to do was cry and I felt like I had to keep it together for everyone else.

Mom and I escaped this afternoon to get some items I needed to get before the move when I received the most unexpected phone call. D just finished another round of ISR refresher lessons on Friday. Just a few days ago. The woman introduced herself and asked if we had scheduled ISR lessons with her teacher, Ms. Cindy. I figured it was some sort of new program where perspective parents called currently enrolled parents to find out more about the lessons and the instructor. Considering it's such a huge commitment, it made sense to me. What I didn't expect was for her to then tell me that Ms. Cindy passed away yesterday. I just can't wrap my mind around that. She was so young. We just saw her Friday. I was making plans to bring D back once a year to see her, to send pics of D swimming.....I just can't wrap my mind around it. I felt for the woman who had to make all the calls to the parents. She's known Ms. Cindy for 15 years...what an awful job to have. Then I thought of Ms. Cindy's family. We used to talk a lot during the lessons, she has two daughters in their 20's. D reminded her of her youngest. She was thinking of retiring from teaching after 20 years. Don't know how it happened, I didn't think that was appropriate to ask. The woman did offer to let me know about funeral arrangements and I hope she does. Ms. Cindy gave D skills that will last her her lifetime. D loves water, has self rescue skills, is enthused about swimming. What a wonderful legacy to pass on to so many kids and families.

I've been praying for her family all day. Would I feel like this if I weren't pregnant? I can't say. My heart hurts for her family. What am I going to say when D asks for her? We were talking tonight before bed and she said a phrase and I asked her who said that and her whole face lit up and she said "Ms. Cindy!" Yup, she adored Ms. Cindy. I've not seen her get so excited with many other people like that before. I trusted her with my child. I handed over my precious little girl daily for these tough lessons and I am so grateful that I did. What a wonderful gift she has given us.

I always give a little gift at the end of our weeks of lessons. This time I was running late and almost didn't; figured I would stop by in the next few weeks and drop it off. For some reason I took the time and sat down and wrote her a thank you note expressing exactly how much she meant to D and to our family. I left that note along with a boomerang (for our move to Oz) for her. I really hope she read it. I hope she knew how much she meant to our family.

I just don't know what to think or feel right now. I am glad I listened to my God whisper on Friday and wrote that note. I need to open my ears and heart more to these whispers.

Really bad, no good, horrible day...

....or at least an hour of a day. Today my darling daughter turned into someone I really didn't like. It's hard to say that. How can a mom not like her own child? Ahhh....let me tell you... (Keep in mind that I do not have to like her to still love her and be willing to do anything for her).

Today started out so well. She woke up happy, we were on time, things were getting done, good times. We had a play date with friends, she played well, had good manners, shared toys. Then came time to go home. She didn't want to leave. She started making hitting and kicking motions towards me, then she made contact. Straight to time out. Then the screaming started. The "I am so mad right now and I am going to make everyone within a mile radius know exactly how mad I am" scream. We tried to get her to leave the house, no go, she had worked herself into quite a state. The host, her daughter and myself all walked out the front door hoping she would follow. Nope. Had to carry my child football hold while she was kicking and screaming. Awesome. The real fun started once we got in the car and my precious child began scratching, pinching and slapping me. Where did she learn those behaviours? Where did my little girl go and who was this little fighter?

Not better when we got home and she went after Dave's shins. Yes, she was tired, and no, she didn't want to leave the play date, but really? It was awful. She woke from nap and came in full of cuddles and apologized to me. I don't not like her anymore, but man, hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your child is pummeling you.

I really hope this isn't a preview of what's to come. Maybe life will be a bit more calm once we move and there is a tad more stability for her. Ugh. Today was not a good day.

First day off

So here I am, in the countdown to our move. Today is my first day "off" in quite a long time. Still enough time before the move that there is nothing absolutely pressing that needs to be done today, kidlet is at school, and here I sit, no real idea of what I am going to do with myself! Oh, there are so many things to be done, but where do I start? A nap sounds sooooo good; such a guilty pleasure. Do I give in now or wait until something is actually accomplished? I did manage to get the trash out on time this morning...can that count as my accomplishment?

I am grateful that I am not feeling as sick this morning, seems like my poor body hasn't been able to catch a break since the kidney stone incident. I'm not sleeping that well, very vivid and strange dreams...only 29 more weeks of that! I can sense that my time of stomach sleeping is coming to an end soon...so sad. In some of my dreams I am even dreaming about sleeping on my stomach, guess I'm more worried about that than I thought! Still not ready for all the changes that are happening to me/within me right now. You know, I think with the move I got so used to hanging out in denial that I just apply that to all aspects of my life now. Denial is a comfortable place to be.

Back to my query....what should I do with myself today? I need to clean (boring), laundry (boring), but I really want to pull out my cross stitch and start working on my project again. Hmmmm...responsible parent today or slacker? Sigh, responsible parent first, slacker second. Sometimes making adult decisions sucks.

Another year...

Tomorrow is my birthday. Usually I get so excited about my birthday, but not this year. There is so much going on this year; seems every holiday/major event has crept up on me and caught me by surprise. Apparently this includes my birthday. I am not excited about tomorrow, although I was proud that I actually said out loud today how old I am, which was a first this year. Yup, just not excited about tomorrow. I told Dave I was going to make my own birthday dinner (as I like it when I make the recipe best) and maybe share a cupcake with the family. He was disappointed, but was okay with the idea. I mean, we both work tomorrow, I am dealing with a new (and quite inexperienced) tech so my day is going to be more stressful than normal, so why not a quiet evening at home?

This morning we met up with some friends at the park. My girlfriend, bless her heart, demanded that we drop Delanah off at her house tomorrow night for dinner and for Dave and I to have a date. I wasn't sure at first, but with some convincing I agreed and now we're both excited to have a date tomorrow night!

This next year holds so many new adventures for us. We have a move, we may add to our family, there's a new town/country to explore...so many new things to look forward to this year. Yet I can't get excited about my birthday. Hmmm. Well, here's to hoping I can conjure up some energy/excitement for tomorrow.