Entering a new year...

So tonight is New Year's Eve. As I type this people around my lovely city are catching cat naps, eating dinner and preparing themselves to head out to parties. I am sitting on the couch with my toddler and dog keeping me company, Dave catching a sanity break upstairs and have the lovely smells of the soup I'm cooking surrounding me...and there's no place I'd rather be. Why get all gussied up to head out into 5F weather?! Insanity!!! Nope, keep me in my cosy home with the people I love and adore so much (and my feathered and furry loved ones of course) and I am happy as a clam.

Now onto the resolutions people feel so inclined to write every year. Why do people set themselves up to fail? I know the gym will be packed for the next several weeks by people wanting to "get fit in 2011". Diet franchises will be doing great business as well. I'm pretty sure some home improvement places will be doing a good trade as well with people wanting to get organized and renovate their houses this year. I've nothing against all that...good for them, it's just not for me. Too much pressure. No, this year instead of listing things out that I am bound to not accomplish ( I know me by now), I want to reflect on the things, small things, that I can do to help me become a better person. Last year I wanted to get to know my friends better and attend at least 1 bible study, and I did that. Success! Not only did I accomplish those things, but I got so much back in return.

This year....hmmmmm....definitely sinking my teeth into my faith more. I am loving that Delanah didn't know about Santa this year, but managed to get everyone at our house on Christmas to sing Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus! :) It was awesome and unexpected to get all of our guests to join in. We had to sing through twice to let some of the other kiddos blow out candles too. I am also really enjoying teaching Sunday school and have really enjoyed watching the kids change and grow over the past several months. They're catching on to things now and it's a beautiful thing to see.

I want to date my husband more this year. We've already spoken about leaving Delanah with my parents this August to travel to England for a friends wedding. That's a pretty awesome date! I have one person lined up to babysit Delanah; she teaches Sunday school with me, is great with the kids and I trust her. I remember babysitting when I was her age and I am now realizing what trust the parents had in me to let me do that! I am looking into interviewing more people, mother's helpers if you will, to help me out with DG, especially when Dave is traveling, so I am not so completely exhausted when he gets back from his trips. Yes, I think it's time to court my husband again!

Hmmm...this one I started a few weeks ago and have had success already....taking my health back. I'm over hating how I look and getting upset and depressed about it. Thank you WW for starting a new plan that I am loving following! I am getting more confidence in leaving DG in the daycare at the gym to. Had to work to convince her it was time to go last time!

Yes, I guess these can fall into the category of "resolutions", but I'd like to think of them as more of life improvements; becoming the wife/mother/person I want to be.

Home again...

...and it feels so good! Well, hmmm, maybe I should edit that. I woke Friday morning, after a rough night sleep and using a motion sickness pill to fall asleep, with a really sore throat. Chaos ensued just trying to get our tickets and then get to the gate, not a good way to start so many hours of travel. DG was great on the flight to New Zealand and I was fading fast. More chaos greeted us in Auckland as our plane landed an hour late, our flight was in final boarding, DG was nap-less and full of energy, I was nap-less and losing energy and we had nothing but lines to get through. After a major meltdown, DG, not me, we were ushered to the front of the last line and made it on the plane. It wasn't as empty as we had been led to believe, but right across the aisle from us there was one person sitting at the opposite end of the row, so I leaped at the opportunity and moved across the aisle. I definitely didn't want to expose DG and Dave to what I had and it would give us a respite from traveling with a toddler.

As the flight went on my throat got worse and worse and even a flight attendant stopped by to ask if I was okay as I was apparently looking quite pale. The flight from San Francisco home was nothing and that was the only sleep I had gotten in 24 hours! 1 1/2 hours of sleep! Not cool. We got home to a flat tire, broken credit card machine leaving the parking garage and a rude pay out from the boarding facility, but darn it, we were home!

Painful sleep last night, I couldn't tell if it was my cough and fever keeping me awake or jet lag. Either way...ouch! Hoping tonight, thanks to Nyquil, it's better!!! No one started moving until 10:30 this morning and I was given couch duty, but it just felt great to be home. DG was so cute last night, she kept running from room to room, excitedly pointing out everything and anxiously waiting for Dave to bring Bay home. After spending 2 weeks being told not to go anywhere near dogs that may bite her, it was great to see her so free and loving with her puppy. She took good care of me today, giving me lots of cuddles and making sure I had something to drink...that's my girl!

I didn't get anything done I had wanted to get done today, but that's okay, because we're home!!! It feels so great!! I had a great time, but nothing beats making it home.

Sad again

So here we are, a work week away from heading back home and one sleep away from leaving this wonderful flat just steps from the beach. I don't want to go! It has been wonderful to get up, make breakfast and have nothing planned for the day but fun at the beach. DG has loved it, thrived on the fresh air and freedom to be creative and expand her mind.

This morning was the beach and after nap was feeding wild Lorikeets and kangaroos. She was so in her element in the kangaroo enclosure. Petting them, feeding them, talking to them, sitting among them. I love that my little girl has the same love for kangaroos that I do. I love that we have a man in our life that supports our love for them and was more than happy to keep supplying us with kangaroo food to feed them.

Tomorrow Dave leaves before DG wakes up. Sad. She was loving having her Daddy around to play with, snuggle with, hold hands with. SO in the morning the grandparents and I are taking her to the beach to play in the sand for a bit, then off to some souvenir shopping and back home to Warwick. Dave gets back to us Tuesday evening, we have one more full day in Warwick and then the packing and tears will start.

This part is always so hard. I love coming here, letting DG experience what Dave did growing up, what I fell in love with when living in Australia, getting to know her grandparents and uncle and his partner. I don't really miss home. I miss being able to cook in my own kitchen, but Australia feels like home as well, so I never get homesick. I love being the one with the accent! I love the slower pace of life. I love being out from most of the traps of home. I miss my dog and my bird though, and after DG has tried to cuddle many kangaroos and other dogs, I know she's missing Bay as well.

I am sad to leave the beach. I've loved our time here. I know when we get back to Warwick the tears will start, and I don't blame them one bit. It will be hard for DG to leave her grandaparents she adores so much. She goes into their room every morning for special time with them. I love to watch them play together, it breaks my heart to know that in a few days we're going to separate them. This makes me sad.

On our own...

This has been an interesting week to say the least. One week ago an important member of our family left for another business trip. We survived last week, but man, I overschedule majorly! I was absolutely exhausted by Thursday morning and it was not my proudest mommy moment. I hate those. Thankfully I had a lovely morning with a new friend and all was well by the time Dave made it home. Delanah was just too adorable when Dave pulled into the driveway; ran out to the car, arms outstretched yelling "Dada, Dada!" It brought tears to my eyes, she missed him SO much.

We had him home for about 22 hours before he left on his next trip. Had to wake the wee one from her nap so she could say bye. We had a chance to talk before he left and he asked if I was okay. Am I okay? That's a hard question to answer. If I was on my own? Sure, I'll miss him, but I know I'll be fine. When she was younger, sure, it was hard, but we managed. Now......I just don't know. She knows he's gone. One of the first things out of her mouth this morning was "Where's Daddy?" Talk about breaking my heart when I had to tell her that he was working. I hate that she misses him so much and that the one thing that she really wants and needs is the one thing I can't give her. So am I okay? Not really. I'm Mommy, I'm supposed to make everything better and I can't.

So.....I get to make things really fun for her. Did you know that you could get a toddler really excited about cleaning cupboards? It's awesome!!! This morning we dismantled her crib, she was the best little helper, rearranged her room and vacuumed and straightened up upstairs. Productive, made it fun for her and not once did she ask about Daddy. Now if I can just figure out the rest of the week....

I can't do it all.....

So here it is again, a little after 6 am, I have been up since 2:15am after falling asleep around 11pm. I have an incredibly full day today, Sunday school followed by a quick turn around to a play date downtown, then I need to be ready and available for a sharing session with Dave and then I have committed myself to treating a friend. I am so damn tired. So tired that I often feel nauseated; so tired that I don't have the energy/patience to be the mom I want to be for Delanah; so tired that I have a hard time finding the good in my life. I hate being this tired. I hate not sleeping. I hate the dark thoughts that creep into my head when I'm like this.

Is there a medical reason for my insomnia? Not sure, but I don't think so. I think it's all stress. Stress from all the tasks/people towering over me. When do I get time where I don't have to think about someone else's needs? Why do I feel guilty thinking that way? Oh, sure, I've been told to take some time to myself, but does anything helpful get done while I'm gone? No. I've now just wasted several hours when I could have been completing tasks at home and now I need to factor in when I can get those done. I was told Friday to go to MOPS and then the fabric store with my mom. I came home to laundry sitting, unfolded, on my bed, dirty laundry thrown on the floor of the laundry room (vs the basket a mere 2 feet away), none of the promised vacuuming done, dirty clothes (potty training accident) left in a bathroom sink (that's always fun), no messes cleaned up....awesome. So my "relaxing" time away was now looked at with jaded eyes as I see that I should have stayed home to clean as now I have to factor time in for that somewhere else in my day.

Today I get to teach Sunday school, attend a play date, muster enthusiasm listening to D tell me about his weekend of reflection away from his everyday stress, and then treat a friend as promised. Oh, and clean, plan every meal, and figure out what phone calls I need to make tomorrow to set up the rest of the week.

I am tired, so tired. And when I get this way it is very hard for me to find the good in my life. I am irritable, short, grouchy and apparently ready for a battle. My DH has been at a Men's Retreat this weekend through our church; I should be so happy for him and rejoicing that he is making some much needed strides in his faith, but here I sit, irritated as heck because I have had not the greatest weekend, I have had no time off from my job and stressors and I know that in one week I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks. When is it my turn? When do I get to renew myself? When do I get to sleep? Have 5 hours off in a day for reflection knowing that things are actually getting accomplished at home?

I feel like I am in one of those taffy pulling machines. I am getting stretched thinner and thinner, I haven't broken, yet, but I am so close.......

Life

This weekend looks to be a tough weekend. This afternoon I learned that my high school choir teacher passed away. This morning my parents dropped off their dogs on their way to the airport, my Dad's brother is not expected to make it through the weekend. Was I particularly close to either one? Not by the literal definition, no, but they are both affecting my life currently.

Last weekend I found out that my former choir teacher, G, had suffered a brain aneurysm and was in the hospital. What a flood of memories that brought. I remembered the encouragement he always gave me with my singing, the oasis that was the choir room during my high school years, the experiences I got to have at such a young age... The most vivid memory for me though was after I left high school. I was at college and still lacking confidence in my singing voice, I decided not to audition for any groups. I was in the "catch all" choir and we were singing for the director to be placed in our proper sections. The director put me into a small audition choir, there were only 3-4 people per section, and complimented me (what I felt was a lot) on my singing voice. I remember contacting Gary and sharing my news, I told him I was surprised. His response, "I'm not". It seems like such a small thing, but meant so much to me, and still does. He had confidence in me, still such a shy person, and simply by being himself he shared that with others...what a great gift to have. We lost touch, but I never forgot him. I am sad that I never told him what a wonderful influence he was on me, I really should tell his wife and sons. He was a great man and an honor to know.

My dad's brother is in the final stages of lung cancer. The call came last week that they were looking at a month; the call came two days ago that they weren't expecting him to make it past the weekend. My dad had just taken the time and opportunity to get to know his brothers in recent years, especially this year. I never knew this part of the family, and there were so many family secrets that kept us all apart. So many walls have been broken down, and I will not get the chance to know my uncle. He has been married almost 40 years, my heart hurts for his wife. His children are my age, his grandchildren Delanah's age. I see how much DG loves and cherishes her Papaw, I am so saddened for the grandchildren not getting the chance to really know their grandfather. And my cousins...I can't imagine losing my dad right now, I can't imagine losing him ever.

I wrote a card to my Aunt Karen and family. I never know what to say in a situation like this, but I felt the need to let them know that I was thinking about them and praying for them. I know that for G and my uncle their time of peace is coming. What a joyous reunion they will have...but what about those left behind? My heart is hurting for those I've never met...it's going to be a tough weekend.

I get it now

Amazing what a lot of prayer, a good sermon and some sleep can give you, perspective. I have felt a peace today that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt the sermon this morning was made just for me, and I took it to heart.

I haven't been living my life for Him, I've been doing it for me. I have been selfish in many of my actions, and that has not made my family harmonious. Now, I am not playing a martyr and blaming everything on myself, far from it. I am acknowledging my contribution and am working towards making it right, making our family unit work better and reaching our goals together.

We sat down this afternoon and did a ping-pong sort of talk. I told him what I needed from him, and we discussed it, and then he addressed what he needed from me. We both were open and accepting, honest and loving, it was amazing and wonderful. How is it that two people are going along similar paths, but don't seem to notice that it's not always the same path? I know how to blend in my need to work and be home for my family. Am I starting my own business? Not anytime soon! I am needed here, and I love that I have been acknowledged for what I do. I am excited to move forward, to begin again and face the new challenges together.

Peace. I didn't know I was missing it. I didn't know what I was missing.

How did I get here?

How did I get here? How was I on top of the world yesterday and now all I want is for the emptiness to be gone? Please say this is just hormonal, I don't want this to be my new reality. I hate feeling so confident about myself one minute and thinking that I don't deserve anything the next. Yesterday I felt so smart...back in the clinic, confident in my skills, having people thank me for helping them, confident enough that I agreed to working 3 Saturdays for the clinic. That morning I was contacted to perform an ergonomic assessment, people so grateful at the thought that they would feel better soon. I slept so well last night.....

Then today came. Do I believe that Friday the 13th brings bad luck? No, but I forgot to think about the day after..... Today I question what it is that I do right. Can I treat in a clinic? Sure! I know I can do that. Am I a good mom? I thought so..... A good wife? I really try to be... A good daughter? I do my best there too.....or do I? Do I really give my all to these roles? If I do, then why do people not see it? Am I deluding myself? Am I really thinking so much about me that I make myself grander in my mind than I really am? How much can one person give? If you feel like you're already giving it your all and find out that it's not enough, where do you go from there?

Here I sit listening to KLOVE, the most wonderful Christian station. I believe the songs, I feel the words move through me, I try to ingrain them in my being. How is this not enough? Where do I go from here? What is He trying to tell me? Was I too confident in myself yesterday and needed to be grounded? What is the lesson here because all I know is that I am scraping the bottom of the barrel and am having a hard time even seeing the top. I cry out to Him...I need His guidance...where do You need me to be?

Back to work

As much as I've tried to fight it, hide from it, deny it, that urge to return to work remains. Lately it seems as if I have opportunities falling into my lap and to pass them up would just be stupid. So in 4 short days, after almost 2 years off, I will once again have my hands on some poor, unsuspecting patients :)

I really am quite excited, combined with a healthy dose of nervousness and fear. I will be working with a good friend and former coworker and she has not only been my most persistent recruiter, but my biggest cheerleader in my returning to work. I caved! I couldn't keep saying no to her offers...eeeeek! Am I ready? Did I forget everything during the birthing/child rearing process? Do my hands remember doing anything other than wiping faces and bums? Thankfully there will be no new evals (SO not ready for that), but let's just hope I remember the correct use of a goniometer :)

In addition to getting back into an outpatient clinic (please let them be post-surgical, I remember how to treat that), my lovely husband was asked to inquire about my skills performing ergonomic assessments for at least one person in his company. I am ready to jump right in to that one.....but....what about liability insurance, possible certifications, I just don't know anymore! I know I could perform them as a student, for "experience" ie no pay, and we would do them out of the last clinic I worked at, but how do you go about it when you are not affiliated with a company? I googled my eyes out and discovered that you can make a career out of doing ergonomic assessments, there is a facility in Florida that grants certifications after a 2 day course, and many physical therapy clinics offer them....but what about me? So confused! I am not used to thinking this much...my brain hurts...

Saying good-bye

This afternoon I had to say good-bye to an amazing person. Tomorrow she and her family hop on a plane and land in another country, ready to start a new chapter in their lives. I am excited for them, or I am trying to be, but I'd rather have them here! Selfish, yes, very. She's returning to her home, her family and friends, but I am allowing myself to feel sooky today, for I am losing a good friend who lived in close proximity.

Here's the thing...it was a mere 15-20min walk between our houses, yet we didn't get together every week or even every month. She has 3 little ones and is very busy, I am busy with my own things, but I always knew she was there. It is rare to meet someone who is such a kindred spirit; we share similar parenting philosophies, marriage philosophies, faith and even life expectations. In my town most people are shocked to learn that Dave and I are from different countries and are looking to move to one or more countries in our future, it's just unheard of here. Not so with her, not only has her family lived in several countries, but she seemed to think it was normal as well :)

This afternoon Delanah and I were able to stop by for about an hour. We chatted, I helped scrub down a fridge, I delivered my wonderful stick figure drawings that I promised her months ago and gave her a birthday present to deliver to her youngest in a few days when he turns 2. Then it was time to go. They leave tomorrow night, but the countdown began a long time ago. I remember that feeling, the house is packed up, items on their way, scrubbing has happened, last minute errands run, it was time to start the adventure. Here's where I am struggling...I am used to being the one leaving. I get to say good-bye and move on to a new adventure. I get to meet new people and keep my friends that I left behind. I'm not used to this new role, and I don't like it one bit.

Seeing her empty house made her departure real. Hugging her precious kiddos made it more real. Knowing I wasn't going to get to see them grow up, knowing she wasn't going to meet any future kiddos of mine for a long time, yeah, it started sinking in. I know the rule, it's never good-bye, it's until next time...that's a lot easier to say when you're the one leaving!

Saying good-bye sucks, no matter what pretty dressing you put on it.

Moving...

Tomorrow we pack up our house into the POD sitting in our parking spaces. I have frantically packed all week while trying to keep life somewhat normal for Delanah. She's been showing signs of stress with this move, more fussiness, acting out, getting very clingy. I think I did a good job making things okay for her. Thanks to some great friends we had 2 "play dates" where she got to play with her friends while my friend watched the kiddos and I packed. This morning she got to go to "Days" house while Dave and I worked like fiends here. Tonight she got to go to G-ma's and G-pa's house for the first time without me. They're having a blast.

So here I sit, 1:45am Saturday morning, not been to bed yet, can't turn off my mind and make myself relax. I am frantically getting some last minute washing done, the whole time thinking that I should have stopped washing days ago. I have made more labels for the boxes. Why? I doubt I will use them tomorrow. I do this with every move, mad, frantic packing, stressing, fretting before the last rush.

I can't believe we are leaving this place. I am excited about the new house; I have been mentally moving in all week. But this place has so much of our story...our first home, not apartment, but home where we put our touches on it. The painting of the cupboards in the kitchen (oh the drama there!), getting the colour just right on the kitchen walls, picking the floors, oven, fridge...painting the nursery. This was where we brought our daughter home. This is her first home, where our family started. Yes, it's time to move on, but it's hard. I am sitting in our living room, boxes and un-boxed items filling the floor space, but our couch, TV, Delanah's toys, the cuckoo clock, are still here. I can pretend that we're just cleaning out the crawl space, but tomorrow I can't. Tomorrow afternoon I will walk through the front door and enter an empty living room, I will walk through the dining room with memories of Delanah's first solids, bum scoots, first toddling steps running through my mind. I will climb the stairs and not need to open and close baby gates, I will see the bathroom we painted, the tub she had her first "real" bath in. Then I will look into her first room and see the colours we so joyfully painted on the walls before we met her. The imprints of where her crib, dresser, changing table and glider will still be in the carpet. I rocked her to sleep so many times in that room, battled diaper changes, watched her sleep... These memories I will cherish. These walls protected us from so many storms, brought Dave and I closer, watched our family grow, kept Delanah and I safe while Dave was away. I am going to miss this house. It's silly, it's just a house, my family is still going to be together, we're just starting a new chapter in our life.

...but I can still shed a few tears....

Are we moving or what?

So...Mike from the management company came over this morning to take pics to put our place online for renters. Last night we were working until 11pm to make sure the place was picture ready, and I still had things out! Oye! Really nice guy, noticed I had KLOVE on and asked what church I went to. He's a Christian as well...it was really nice to be noticed as a Christian this morning, not sure why, but it was :)
We were talking about time lines and he said that asking for a renter for May was unrealistic. Yeah, and me packing alone for 2 weeks is unrealistic as well! It's crazy and has been keeping me up at night, trying to figure out how I am going to get everything done. So....we're putting it out there, at a lower price than what we'd like, but at a competitive price. Let's hope someone bites! We're now thinking maybe out of here by June. I'm hoping we can have everything fall into place with the house we want by then! We're still going to need a short term rental, and that will be a bit of a hassle, but I think it's something we can handle...if we get enough people willing to help us! Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I like the idea of staying here another month. This is our first place, where we put our stamp on things, where we brought our daughter home to...so many memories........

Are we ready for this? I think so. It's scary...a new mortgage, lifestyle change, more room, more responsibility...are we ready for this?! Hmmmmm......

New words!

My baby girl is growing up SO fast! Last night after dinner we were watching the swimming video I took that day. Delanah loved watching herself :) As she was watching, she noticed when Miss Cindy (her instructor) was pointing to the fish and bubbles on her swim suit and touched her belly and said "bubble"! First time for that! Gee...you think she likes swimming? Today as I was dressing her in her suit there, she pointed to the mural of the fish and made the sign "fish"! I have been working on that sign with her for about 4 months now! Woo-hoo!!!! Just this week she has really started signing "thank you" when I prompt her, never too early to start on manners!

Time seems to be just rushing by. She is 17 months old already! She is a great swimmer and loves the water, my little fish. 3 of her canines have broken through, the other is on the cusp and her top 2 year molars are coming in...she almost has a full set of teeth! Oh my goodness!!!! The teeth are causing her heck, my poor baby, and it does make her fussier at times, but a bonus is that she is very cuddly as well. Ahh...got to love those cuddles!

Where does it come from?

Okay, I'm the only one who has been feeding my child for over a week now, I know what I'm putting in there. How the heck does she create so much energy?! Honestly!!! This 16, almost 17 month old child is running circles around me. I need to do something to catch up with her! Okay, so I know part of it, thanks to our egg hunt on Tuesday, Delanah has discovered jelly beans and has discovered that she likes them! That little shot of sugar sure goes a long way!

We were finally able to return to ISR today. I don't know what's worse, her lessons when she was 7 months old and couldn't communicate other than through crying or now, when she was asking for me and shaking her head know every time Cindy asked if she wanted to show her kicks. This is hard! Emotionally, physically (trying to get her to go into the pool area and get her suit on), these lessons are going to absolutely drain me! Thankfully Delanah recovers quickly and is back to her normal, happy self in no time. We got home and it was all about her puppy, had to take Bay-ee Woo on a walk! My vote was to sit and relax, but 2 to 1, I lost. It's funny that just recently, if it means we're taking Bay on a walk, Delanah very willingly gets into her stroller and settles in. She loves that dog SO much!

Tonight was not my best mommy moment. Delanah, right as I was getting things ready to clean her up, decided that shooting all of her dinner onto the floor was hilarious. Sometime this afternoon I apparently lost my sense of humor. As much as I told her it wasn't okay and to stop, she laughed all the more. I needed a serious mommy time-out. I am ashamed of how I reacted, but proud that I took her to another room to play and giggle while I tried to get control. I cleaned, all morning, trying to get the house in shape. I was so proud, and now there was rice as far as the eye could see. Trivial, yes, but when you are an exhausted mom, trying to do it all and be everything for your daughter (and not complain about things to your husband who can't do anything about it from another country anyway), it was the tipping point. The thing is, I didn't even realize that I was at that point. It has been 2 days since I've been able to have more than a 2-3min conversation with someone face to face, I need adult interaction!!! I have errands to run this weekend and no idea how I am going to do that with an active toddler. Could I briber her with food? Sure. But is that how I want to raise her?

I am done with being a single mom!!!! Okay, I seriously need some sleep because I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be more of the endless energy toddler!

I love my daughter!

I just adore my little girl. She makes me laugh, she makes me feel like I am the smartest, most cuddly most lovable person on earth. She trusts me, trusts that I won't let her get hurt, that I will guide her in the right direction, keep her safe. Oh, we have our moments, but goodness me, she helps me realize the things that are most important in life....splashing in a bath, watching birds, inspecting grass, having cuddles, playing with food, letting dirt run through your fingers, playing with the fluffy tail of a dog.

Today we played at a park that had a covering of bark. Oh to watch her lift handfuls of it and let it loose over her head. Yes, she was still able to keep her title of grubbiest kiddo at the park, and I love it! After her swimming lessons she toddled into the house and straight to a waiting Bailey for a hug. We took Bay for a walk and she was so excited to hold the leash for the first time on a walk! When we got back it was all about making music with the plastic eggs I filled with rice. Who knew it would bring such enjoyment? We rocked out! Bath time consisted of splashing Bay whenever she came close enough to get wet. Bay was a good sport and there were so many laughs from the tub!

I never knew I could love another person like this. I feel like I want to be a better person, I want to do everything I can to give her the best childhood I can. I need to remember that that doesn't necessarily mean that my house has to be spotless, but it does mean that I need to be available to spend time with her. This time won't last forever and I want to soak up as much of it as possible.

Evolution of a family

Today has been a great day. Dave is home, Delanah woke in a great mood and we had fun, as a family. Bay graduated from yet another puppy school, but I think we got more out of this one. It was re-emphasizing the skills we already know and she did great! The other dog didn't show today so we had a private class! We took a drive to look at some houses afterwards, there are just so many to choose from and so many things to think about! When we bought our current place it was all about us. The commute to work/school and a little yard for me to putter in. Now we're thinking about more kitchen space, play space, rooms for family to come out for extended visits, schools, a yard to play in, room to grow our family...so many things! It can get quite overwhelming and we've only looked at 3 houses! We increased the price range we are looking at and we've gotten a lot more options. I've already seen one house that has everything we're looking for...should be the house, right? I just didn't get the feeling that it was the one for us. We shall see what happens!
After a small snooze in the car we went to one of my favorite parks and let Delanah play. I had to make a quick run and let Delanah and Dave have some playtime alone, I think I need to do that more often. They had such a good time and Dave got to see what I get to see during the week, how independent Delanah has become and how fast she is on her feet now! We discovered a new dog park and Bay had a good run there too. Home for nap time, I got to have some quiet reading time, and then our nightly trip to get the mail.

This is such a fun time for us right now. Delanah is loving being outside and is fascinated by everything. I love seeing things through her eyes!

I am finally feeling better, Delanah is feeling better, I just wish Dave was feeling better. I think he needs another trip to the MD, there's something more than a cold going on there. It's gone on too long and he is in too much discomfort. I don't like the fact that they keep prescribing him things that seem off to me. He's diagnosed with a cold and they prescribe an inhaler?! He's not better the next day, he calls them and without seeing him they prescribe prednisone? Now he's still not better and medicating himself a lot. It's just not sitting right with me.

I am SO over this!

For the past 4 days I have had a sore throat, for the past 3 days I have had little to no voice. Tonight, Delanah is finally sleeping....and here I am , awake at 1:30am. Why? Because my cough won't stop and now I can't breath through my nose. Tonight I got a new symptom, my nose seems to want to continuously run...not "oh I need to blow my nose" run, but like a faucet that wasn't turned off all the way. I have tried blowing, doesn't work, I have tried using saline in my nose, worked for maybe 5min. How can your nose my continuously running yet be so swollen that you can't breathe at the same time? I breath through my mouth and I get coughing fits, I can't breathe through my nose. So, basically, I'm screwed. My nose feels raw, my throat is raw, I am tired, I am freaked out that I am on my own tomorrow, already sleep deprived and exhausted, how am I supposed to keep up with an active toddler on little to no sleep?! This sucks!!!!

I better be able to get in tomorrow and seriously, I need some good drugs. Something that will help me sleep, Benadryl has no effect, something that will keep this cough in check and help with my sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. Something is going on with me and I need some help. I have been caring for an ill daughter for over a week, I am drained, I have been trying to care for an ill me for 5 days and that has drained the rest of me. Help!!!!!

No longer sacred

So for some time now Delanah has not "allowed" me to close the door when I use the loo. Closing the door means pounding, sometimes crying and many times blocking the door when I try to exit. So with the door open she will zoom on by, sometimes enter and try to unroll the toilet paper, but lately, it's gotten brutal. Over the past few days she has decided that this time was the best time to ask for things, and if I said no, she would hit me. Hard to put a kid in time out when in the loo. Well, today she decided she wanted to see what exactly was going on...and got quite mad when I wouldn't let her.
Is nothing sacred any more? Can I no longer use the loo in peace?! I have to schedule things around nap times?! Oye! No one shared this part of having a toddler with me!

Testing limits

Ahh, we're at that next stage in life. Delanah is testing limits for everything lately! What she can touch, what she can eat, what she can open, play with, etc. All day long is one big lesson! At the moment we're working on her not hitting and/or having a meltdown if she gets frustrated. Something gets stuck, she can't open something up, she can't reach something, all of the sudden there's yelling, frustration and if I happen to be close enough, sometimes hitting out towards me. I have been trying to remain calm and tell her to use her signs and/or her words to let me know what she would like. Sometimes the answer is yes and I let her do/have what she was asking for and sometimes the answer is no. Yes, life is happier when the answer is yes :)

Today we ventured to the Children's Museum and it appears that my lovely daughter likes to hit out at kids if she feels her personal space is getting invaded. Never thought I would have to do a timeout at the museum, but a time out we did do today! I felt the looks from other moms, I got the feeling they thought I was overreacting, but this is my daughter and the life lessons I want her to learn. Hitting is not acceptable. Plain and simple.

It's getting harder and harder to keep Dave informed with what is going on in our day. Lately it seems that he comes home, spends time checking his phone for messages/emails, we eat dinner, he whisks her away for bath while I clean up (still think I am getting the short end of the stick with this considering I then clean up left over messes from bath time as well), I nurse her and put her to bed and then he's back working again. I was so bored, and alone, the other night I didn't know what to do with myself! So, he's gone for almost 2 weeks, comes home to me sick, now he's not feeling the greatest and work is bogging him down. I feel like a single parent. I make the decisions, I teach the lessons, I still get asked what foods to give her...I hate that I feel alone in this with her father in the house. Something has got to change because this current situation is testing my limits.

Am I maturing?

What a day today was! I got 8 hours of sleep last night...amazing! Yet I still woke up completely groggy and it was so hard to get moving/motivated this morning. No bible study this morning as Delanah was running a fever yesterday and Sunday. I still think it's from teething, but not worth exposing the other kiddos if it was from something else. The plan was to get the tire fixed on the BOB and take Bay for a long overdue walk. Well...change in plans when at 11am the weather channel said it felt like 33F outside...just a little too cold for kiddo, especially since we weren't on a schedule and could go later in the day when it was warmer.
Well, as I'm cleaning up the kitchen, we get a phone call and it goes to the message. It was from Excel, wanting to discuss our account....red flags and warning bells! What the heck?! You see, Dave does all of the bills. I've offered to take over paying them, but it hasn't happened. I root through the bills not yet filed and start checking things out....hmmm....Excel not paid for 2 months....what?! Nothing really paid at the end of January or for the first of this month. I know work has been stressful for Dave, but apparently it was worse than I thought. I don't remember when he's spaced on paying all of the bills! It was easily rectified within 15 minutes and now we're caught up with everything.

So after nap off to get the tire repaired we go. $8 and about 5min later I have a pumped up, hole-free tire...woo-hoo! Okay, so I am a tad irritated that it took some yelling, tears and brute strength for me to get the old tube out and practically nothing for him to get it put back together again...I got over it :) I parked us across a 6 lane road but near an entrance to Cherry Creek State Park that I'm hoping will lead us to the dog park. It was a lovely walk, and I had my favorite Christian station on and was feeling so peaceful. We made it to the dog park and Bay was SO excited to be finally stretching her legs. The sun gets behind some clouds and it gets colder, fast. We turn to go and Bay is on her leash and I start hearing the thump-thump-thump of a flat. Wouldn't you know it, about a mile and a half from the car and the only tube that hasn't been replaced yet has a flat. Are you kidding me?! Is this a joke?! SO not funny! Now I'm mad. It's so easy to turn my anger and frustration towards Dave. Why? He's not here. Somewhere in my convoluted thoughts his being in another state makes this his fault. How? If he were home he would still be working...would it be his fault that I picked up a thorn then too?
With 20min until the bike shop closed we were on the move. Unfortunately we made it back and loaded up about 5-10min after the shop closed. I headed to another bike shop, hoping they were open, and they were! A mere 10min later we were back in business with a final new tube for the BOB and a little girl who was happily trying to climb on a tricycle they had there. She was way too little for it, but man she wanted to sit on it! We were all amused by her antics.
As we were heading home, and I was finally beginning to see the humor in my day, I got a text from Dave. He'd had a hard day and even the tone of his text sounded beaten down. When we got the chance to talk tonight I was able to share the woes of my day with humor and laughter. No blame casting, just spinning a yarn about the trials and tribulations of a Tuesday. As we were talking I had a giggling toddler trying so hard to get the dog to play with her. This poor dog was getting crawled on, sat on, offered my wallet and various toys....anything to get a reaction out of her to "chase" Delanah. As Dave was sharing he could hear her laughter and all the commotion. He sounded exhausted.

When did I mature? I did everything I could in the call to build him up and want him to come home to a joyful household. This is so different from the travels in the past. I feel different from the travels in the past. There is a part of me still wanting to be fighting mad and cast blame on others when things go wrong, but suddenly I feel like the rest of me is fighting back and wanting to give up my trials to God and be the friend and wife that Dave needs me to be. Case in point, instead of harboring ill will over the bills, I see it now as a sign that Dave is really stressed with work right now. I need to and want to take some of that stress from him. That's what friends do, help each other, right? Okay, I am talking in circles now, I must be tired, it's just so hard to put into words the changes that I feel in myself. I like the changes, I am proud of the changes, but there's so much more work I need to do.

Did I get dumped?

Yesterday I had my hair cut for the first time in about 6 months. I was overdue. I've decided to let it grow out again, but needed a trim desperately. The appointment was for 2pm and the plan was to leave Delanah with G-pa and Aunt Dee. Well...little miss Delanah was such a clinger yesterday and started crying every time I was out of sight. She would have been fine within 10-15min of me leaving, but G-pa was not comfortable at all with watching her. Apparently her being more mobile has him running scared ;)

We arrive early, were given a smile and hello from the stylist and then left to wait until 20min past the appointment time! I saw how much time she was taking with the woman in front of me....but then it was dawdling afterwards that made me the most late. I think from start to finish it didn't even take 40min. The lady in front of me, given styling tips, cleaned and preened for quite some time. Me? I had hair fall into my mouth more than once during the cut and was left with more hair on my shirt front and back than I knew what to do with. To top things off, her prices have gone up and were astronomical! Guess I should have asked when I called. I got less done yesterday and paid a lot more than what I ever have before. Yes, it was a lot of money, but money I would have been okay with paying had I been treated better.

I think I was dumped by my hair dresser! If I wasn't, why would I have been treated so poorly? There was no one waiting after me, there was more than enough time to make sure I didn't go out of there with a hairy chest and back. I've been wanting to look for someone closer to me and it looks like that's what I'm going to do.

Okay, a confession...I've always been a bad tipper, not on purpose, but I am. Anyhoos, After we left I realized that I left her an 11% tip. Guess I stiffed her on the tip....I really don't feel bad about that though....

TGIF!

Yay! We survived the week! You know, if anything, I've learned this week that staying home and cleaning and playing can be just as satisfying, if not more, than scheduling so many play dates. We took it easy yesterday morning before traveling south and it was SO nice to come home to laundry done, floors clean and the place picked up. I think we're going to do that again this morning. Delanah seems quite content to "help" me with the chores and the house looks so much better clean :)

Dave comes home tonight....woo-hoo! We didn't talk last night because he was so tired, I was exhausted as well so although I missed hearing his voice, it was probably for the best to just rest. I was actually in bed before 10! That's just shocking for me! I liked it though...I should try that again :) Delanah was exhausted and slept from 8:45pm to 7:30am. I think we were both in recovery mode :) I am hoping to get everything done this morning to make for a nice house to come home to for Dave tonight. I've let some things go this week, but I'm feeling pretty darn peppy this morning!

I am meeting a new mom today to go walking with. I'm excited, she sounds interesting and I love meeting new people. Hope we don't freeze!

Better and worse...

How can this trip, with Dave gone for a week, be better than past trips and worse at the same time? I am dealing this time so much better. Chores are getting done, I rarely lose it, the dog is getting walks, Delanah and I are having heaps of play time and get out of the house and I get adult interaction daily...I'm even making dinners from scratch!

It's worse because I miss Dave so much. Delanah is walking further and further daily, and he's missing it, and that makes my heart hurt. Delanah started singing in the car this week as well, another special moment that her Daddy doesn't get to share in. I know it hurts his heart as well, I can hear it in his voice when I share things with him.

I am 3 weeks into a 10 week Bible study that has started a change within me. This was something I needed so badly and didn't even know it. It has changed the way I interact with Dave while he's gone, the way I see things during the day, changed the way I react to things. I have also found the most wonderful Christian station on the radio and that plays in our house and car all day long. It's so hard to get upset over the little things when you hear such beautiful words coming from the speakers. I feel a new peace about me and I hope I am passing that on to my wonderful daughter; I hope it's coming through in my interactions with Dave as well.

It's difficult to be feeling what I am feeling, and wanting to share that with Dave and not being able to. There are some difficult weeks ahead for us with Dave gone and some busy days for the kiddo and I. If I let myself get caught up in the details, I can feel a panic coming on, but then I remember that all I need to do is pray for the strength and look at the big picture. I can do this. My family can do this. I am never alone.

My little walker :)

Delanah has decided that walking is fun. This is such an exciting time! Unfortunately Dave left yesterday morning and is missing it all. She was taking steps last week, but it was mainly when Dave and I were playing baby-pong. Today she was looking for every opportunity possible to stand up and walk...awesome! She gets the biggest grin on her face as well, she is so darn proud of herself. I love that I can witness this, I love that I get to be her cheerleader and she is figuring this whole walking thing out. Tonight she found a bag and was stuffing it full of mail (going to have to get that back) and her books and toys and was trying so hard to stand up and walk with it. I managed to get some of it on film, I want Dave to be able to feel like he is sharing in this as well. The entire time this was going on she was just chattering away. I love her storytelling, she'll talk, then look at me to make sure I understand and waits for me to insert some words. She is the most amazing little girl ever. My heart is just so full of love right now and I am really enjoying this time we have together. I am exhausted, but I am loving this time.

Success!!!

Today was week #2 of my morning women's bible study, which meant week #2 for Delanah in the daycare. Last week...not so good. This morning I got there early and sat in the room with her and let her adjust on her own and soon she was off and playing with the toys. At one point I got up to get her a name tag and she started losing it, so down on the floor I sat again and then made my escape. She did great! They even managed to get a diaper change in this time! She was playing and looked so happy when I went to get her :) Does my heart good. I think I like these ladies a bit more than the crew who watches her for MOPS. These moms have their kiddos in the room too and are sweet enough to allow me in the room to make the transition easier for her and even wipe her nose when she cries. Something so simple, but means a lot to a mom who doesn't let that go unchecked at home.
If we continue to have success I am going to try her in the daycare at the gym too. I would love to have the chance to get some workouts in during the day. I have the membership, just can't use it!

Her first steps!

Today we hit a milestone that I wasn't sure was ever going to happen! Okay, I knew it was going to happen, but I've kinda gotten used to her butt scoot. My baby girl took her first steps!!!! We were at a play date and I was chatting with a friend. Delanah was standing unsupported (as she has been doing more and more over the past week) and she saw my friends daughter with something she was interested in, and took 2 steps! I was in shock, stopped talking and Taryn and I looked at each other and she had a huge grin on her face. I had a witness! A minute or so later she did it again! After that she figure out what I was doing and decided that giggling and falling onto her bum was more fun :)

I wanted to shout it from the roof tops! I love my friends even more after today, I told them what happened and they were almost as excited as I was! It's so awesome having such supportive friends to share in your joy :) I now have predictions from 2 people that within 2 weeks Delanah will be running...we'll have to see!

I tried calling Dave at work, no answer, I tried calling G-ma, no answer, then I discovered that Teague had called a bit earlier...lucky he was the first family member to hear the news! Dave was excited but disappointed. Excited that it had happened, disappointed that he had missed it. When he got home tonight I made sure Delanah was primed and ready and we settled in for some baby-pong. She took more steps! I think the most she took was 4-5 towards me from Dave. We were using my water (she loves drinking from my cup) and an animal cracker as bribes :) All was fun until she realized she was our entertainment for the evening and she decided to bum scoot some more. I don't think Bailey is as excited as everyone else. She laid down and was watching the walking with a look of concern on her face...here comes more fun!

My baby girl is learning to walk! How awesome is she?!

She said Bailey!!!

This morning when I went to get Delanah from her crib she was standing up and signing "bird" like crazy. Piper was squawking and Delanah heard it for sure! Bay followed me in and went straight to the crib to give Delanah kisses through the slats, as is done every time Bay comes in to see Delanah and she is in the crib. I got Delanah out and we were walking around and Bay laid down to get some belly scratches. I have been repeating Bailey's name for some time now, hoping Delanah would pick up on it, and clear as anything Delanah looks at Bay and says "Bailey"! SO exciting!!!

Delanah has really been picking up on signs a lot in the last few weeks and communicates quite well now. Just in the last few days she really caught on to the sign for dog. I know I should be sitting her down and teaching her her colors and the alphabet, but with her signs we're all a lot less frustrated than many families I know because we can communicate. Okay, maybe today we'll start on the alphabet :)

Walking

My sweet little girl isn't walking on her own yet, but we are in such a fun phase right now. Just in the past week or so, even more so in the past few days, she has wanted to walk everywhere. She holds on to walls, the dog, furniture, and a lot of the time, my finger. I don't even have to hold her entire hand anymore. She grabs on to my finger and we walk from the living room to the kitchen and back again...over and over and over. She has a great time when Bailey starts following us...the giggles start and she starts increasing her speed and oh the joy that emanates from that little girl! She just lights up a room and definitely lights up my day.
Last night she was a big cuddle bug. When Dave got home we all ended up in the kitchen and I sat on the floor and quick as anything she was there and climbed into my lap. She was fine as long as she was sitting in my lap. I love that she wants to be with me :) There was a lot of walking last night, and she even took a step or two on her own! Dave was shocked to see her standing at her cupboard and using both hands to play with the measuring cups. She's so close to walking! She has a funny little walk right now, she sometimes forgets to bring her left leg as far forward as her right. Dave was walking with her quickly last night and when we increase the speed her footsteps even out and she has a little less robotic gait. Good times, good times :)

Insomnia revisited

I knew it was too good to last, this whole sleeping thing. For the past several nights I have had about 7 hours of sleep a night...awesome! I haven't had that much sleep consistently in months! Too bad it was so short lived. Why does this always happen?! I have a few theories, and some things that I know need to change sooner rather than later. 1. our mattress. 7 years is a long time. There is not a lot of support left, there are so many better ones out there! 2. Dave's freakin' twitching! Tonight was the worst it's been in awhile, but seriously, how many more years do I need to live with it before he finally finds the time to see a doctor about it?! It's really not fair that I am the one suffering the consequences because he still doesn't think it's that big of a deal.

I also hate having so many chores planned for the next day. This morning Delanah was up early and it would have been the perfect time to get some grocery shopping done, but Dave had the Murano so we were stuck at home. This afternoon it was grocery shop or take Bay for a walk, we opted for the walk and I'm glad we did. I love getting some fresh air and Bay really needed it. So my mind is racing as I am trying to figure out my day tomorrow. There are so many things to do! Laundry, cleaning, groceries, and I want to start getting some Wii fit time in and I really want to do some of the activities with Delanah I have been planning for awhile. I need sleep!

I finally got sleepy enough tonight and went to bed and seriously was almost twitched out of bed. I really need to talk to Dave about it, but when I am not so tired and irritated.....sleep, please come!