Life

This weekend looks to be a tough weekend. This afternoon I learned that my high school choir teacher passed away. This morning my parents dropped off their dogs on their way to the airport, my Dad's brother is not expected to make it through the weekend. Was I particularly close to either one? Not by the literal definition, no, but they are both affecting my life currently.

Last weekend I found out that my former choir teacher, G, had suffered a brain aneurysm and was in the hospital. What a flood of memories that brought. I remembered the encouragement he always gave me with my singing, the oasis that was the choir room during my high school years, the experiences I got to have at such a young age... The most vivid memory for me though was after I left high school. I was at college and still lacking confidence in my singing voice, I decided not to audition for any groups. I was in the "catch all" choir and we were singing for the director to be placed in our proper sections. The director put me into a small audition choir, there were only 3-4 people per section, and complimented me (what I felt was a lot) on my singing voice. I remember contacting Gary and sharing my news, I told him I was surprised. His response, "I'm not". It seems like such a small thing, but meant so much to me, and still does. He had confidence in me, still such a shy person, and simply by being himself he shared that with others...what a great gift to have. We lost touch, but I never forgot him. I am sad that I never told him what a wonderful influence he was on me, I really should tell his wife and sons. He was a great man and an honor to know.

My dad's brother is in the final stages of lung cancer. The call came last week that they were looking at a month; the call came two days ago that they weren't expecting him to make it past the weekend. My dad had just taken the time and opportunity to get to know his brothers in recent years, especially this year. I never knew this part of the family, and there were so many family secrets that kept us all apart. So many walls have been broken down, and I will not get the chance to know my uncle. He has been married almost 40 years, my heart hurts for his wife. His children are my age, his grandchildren Delanah's age. I see how much DG loves and cherishes her Papaw, I am so saddened for the grandchildren not getting the chance to really know their grandfather. And my cousins...I can't imagine losing my dad right now, I can't imagine losing him ever.

I wrote a card to my Aunt Karen and family. I never know what to say in a situation like this, but I felt the need to let them know that I was thinking about them and praying for them. I know that for G and my uncle their time of peace is coming. What a joyous reunion they will have...but what about those left behind? My heart is hurting for those I've never met...it's going to be a tough weekend.

I get it now

Amazing what a lot of prayer, a good sermon and some sleep can give you, perspective. I have felt a peace today that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt the sermon this morning was made just for me, and I took it to heart.

I haven't been living my life for Him, I've been doing it for me. I have been selfish in many of my actions, and that has not made my family harmonious. Now, I am not playing a martyr and blaming everything on myself, far from it. I am acknowledging my contribution and am working towards making it right, making our family unit work better and reaching our goals together.

We sat down this afternoon and did a ping-pong sort of talk. I told him what I needed from him, and we discussed it, and then he addressed what he needed from me. We both were open and accepting, honest and loving, it was amazing and wonderful. How is it that two people are going along similar paths, but don't seem to notice that it's not always the same path? I know how to blend in my need to work and be home for my family. Am I starting my own business? Not anytime soon! I am needed here, and I love that I have been acknowledged for what I do. I am excited to move forward, to begin again and face the new challenges together.

Peace. I didn't know I was missing it. I didn't know what I was missing.

How did I get here?

How did I get here? How was I on top of the world yesterday and now all I want is for the emptiness to be gone? Please say this is just hormonal, I don't want this to be my new reality. I hate feeling so confident about myself one minute and thinking that I don't deserve anything the next. Yesterday I felt so smart...back in the clinic, confident in my skills, having people thank me for helping them, confident enough that I agreed to working 3 Saturdays for the clinic. That morning I was contacted to perform an ergonomic assessment, people so grateful at the thought that they would feel better soon. I slept so well last night.....

Then today came. Do I believe that Friday the 13th brings bad luck? No, but I forgot to think about the day after..... Today I question what it is that I do right. Can I treat in a clinic? Sure! I know I can do that. Am I a good mom? I thought so..... A good wife? I really try to be... A good daughter? I do my best there too.....or do I? Do I really give my all to these roles? If I do, then why do people not see it? Am I deluding myself? Am I really thinking so much about me that I make myself grander in my mind than I really am? How much can one person give? If you feel like you're already giving it your all and find out that it's not enough, where do you go from there?

Here I sit listening to KLOVE, the most wonderful Christian station. I believe the songs, I feel the words move through me, I try to ingrain them in my being. How is this not enough? Where do I go from here? What is He trying to tell me? Was I too confident in myself yesterday and needed to be grounded? What is the lesson here because all I know is that I am scraping the bottom of the barrel and am having a hard time even seeing the top. I cry out to Him...I need His guidance...where do You need me to be?

Back to work

As much as I've tried to fight it, hide from it, deny it, that urge to return to work remains. Lately it seems as if I have opportunities falling into my lap and to pass them up would just be stupid. So in 4 short days, after almost 2 years off, I will once again have my hands on some poor, unsuspecting patients :)

I really am quite excited, combined with a healthy dose of nervousness and fear. I will be working with a good friend and former coworker and she has not only been my most persistent recruiter, but my biggest cheerleader in my returning to work. I caved! I couldn't keep saying no to her offers...eeeeek! Am I ready? Did I forget everything during the birthing/child rearing process? Do my hands remember doing anything other than wiping faces and bums? Thankfully there will be no new evals (SO not ready for that), but let's just hope I remember the correct use of a goniometer :)

In addition to getting back into an outpatient clinic (please let them be post-surgical, I remember how to treat that), my lovely husband was asked to inquire about my skills performing ergonomic assessments for at least one person in his company. I am ready to jump right in to that one.....but....what about liability insurance, possible certifications, I just don't know anymore! I know I could perform them as a student, for "experience" ie no pay, and we would do them out of the last clinic I worked at, but how do you go about it when you are not affiliated with a company? I googled my eyes out and discovered that you can make a career out of doing ergonomic assessments, there is a facility in Florida that grants certifications after a 2 day course, and many physical therapy clinics offer them....but what about me? So confused! I am not used to thinking this much...my brain hurts...