How did I get here?

How did I get here? How was I on top of the world yesterday and now all I want is for the emptiness to be gone? Please say this is just hormonal, I don't want this to be my new reality. I hate feeling so confident about myself one minute and thinking that I don't deserve anything the next. Yesterday I felt so smart...back in the clinic, confident in my skills, having people thank me for helping them, confident enough that I agreed to working 3 Saturdays for the clinic. That morning I was contacted to perform an ergonomic assessment, people so grateful at the thought that they would feel better soon. I slept so well last night.....

Then today came. Do I believe that Friday the 13th brings bad luck? No, but I forgot to think about the day after..... Today I question what it is that I do right. Can I treat in a clinic? Sure! I know I can do that. Am I a good mom? I thought so..... A good wife? I really try to be... A good daughter? I do my best there too.....or do I? Do I really give my all to these roles? If I do, then why do people not see it? Am I deluding myself? Am I really thinking so much about me that I make myself grander in my mind than I really am? How much can one person give? If you feel like you're already giving it your all and find out that it's not enough, where do you go from there?

Here I sit listening to KLOVE, the most wonderful Christian station. I believe the songs, I feel the words move through me, I try to ingrain them in my being. How is this not enough? Where do I go from here? What is He trying to tell me? Was I too confident in myself yesterday and needed to be grounded? What is the lesson here because all I know is that I am scraping the bottom of the barrel and am having a hard time even seeing the top. I cry out to Him...I need His guidance...where do You need me to be?

Back to work

As much as I've tried to fight it, hide from it, deny it, that urge to return to work remains. Lately it seems as if I have opportunities falling into my lap and to pass them up would just be stupid. So in 4 short days, after almost 2 years off, I will once again have my hands on some poor, unsuspecting patients :)

I really am quite excited, combined with a healthy dose of nervousness and fear. I will be working with a good friend and former coworker and she has not only been my most persistent recruiter, but my biggest cheerleader in my returning to work. I caved! I couldn't keep saying no to her offers...eeeeek! Am I ready? Did I forget everything during the birthing/child rearing process? Do my hands remember doing anything other than wiping faces and bums? Thankfully there will be no new evals (SO not ready for that), but let's just hope I remember the correct use of a goniometer :)

In addition to getting back into an outpatient clinic (please let them be post-surgical, I remember how to treat that), my lovely husband was asked to inquire about my skills performing ergonomic assessments for at least one person in his company. I am ready to jump right in to that one.....but....what about liability insurance, possible certifications, I just don't know anymore! I know I could perform them as a student, for "experience" ie no pay, and we would do them out of the last clinic I worked at, but how do you go about it when you are not affiliated with a company? I googled my eyes out and discovered that you can make a career out of doing ergonomic assessments, there is a facility in Florida that grants certifications after a 2 day course, and many physical therapy clinics offer them....but what about me? So confused! I am not used to thinking this much...my brain hurts...

Saying good-bye

This afternoon I had to say good-bye to an amazing person. Tomorrow she and her family hop on a plane and land in another country, ready to start a new chapter in their lives. I am excited for them, or I am trying to be, but I'd rather have them here! Selfish, yes, very. She's returning to her home, her family and friends, but I am allowing myself to feel sooky today, for I am losing a good friend who lived in close proximity.

Here's the thing...it was a mere 15-20min walk between our houses, yet we didn't get together every week or even every month. She has 3 little ones and is very busy, I am busy with my own things, but I always knew she was there. It is rare to meet someone who is such a kindred spirit; we share similar parenting philosophies, marriage philosophies, faith and even life expectations. In my town most people are shocked to learn that Dave and I are from different countries and are looking to move to one or more countries in our future, it's just unheard of here. Not so with her, not only has her family lived in several countries, but she seemed to think it was normal as well :)

This afternoon Delanah and I were able to stop by for about an hour. We chatted, I helped scrub down a fridge, I delivered my wonderful stick figure drawings that I promised her months ago and gave her a birthday present to deliver to her youngest in a few days when he turns 2. Then it was time to go. They leave tomorrow night, but the countdown began a long time ago. I remember that feeling, the house is packed up, items on their way, scrubbing has happened, last minute errands run, it was time to start the adventure. Here's where I am struggling...I am used to being the one leaving. I get to say good-bye and move on to a new adventure. I get to meet new people and keep my friends that I left behind. I'm not used to this new role, and I don't like it one bit.

Seeing her empty house made her departure real. Hugging her precious kiddos made it more real. Knowing I wasn't going to get to see them grow up, knowing she wasn't going to meet any future kiddos of mine for a long time, yeah, it started sinking in. I know the rule, it's never good-bye, it's until next time...that's a lot easier to say when you're the one leaving!

Saying good-bye sucks, no matter what pretty dressing you put on it.

Moving...

Tomorrow we pack up our house into the POD sitting in our parking spaces. I have frantically packed all week while trying to keep life somewhat normal for Delanah. She's been showing signs of stress with this move, more fussiness, acting out, getting very clingy. I think I did a good job making things okay for her. Thanks to some great friends we had 2 "play dates" where she got to play with her friends while my friend watched the kiddos and I packed. This morning she got to go to "Days" house while Dave and I worked like fiends here. Tonight she got to go to G-ma's and G-pa's house for the first time without me. They're having a blast.

So here I sit, 1:45am Saturday morning, not been to bed yet, can't turn off my mind and make myself relax. I am frantically getting some last minute washing done, the whole time thinking that I should have stopped washing days ago. I have made more labels for the boxes. Why? I doubt I will use them tomorrow. I do this with every move, mad, frantic packing, stressing, fretting before the last rush.

I can't believe we are leaving this place. I am excited about the new house; I have been mentally moving in all week. But this place has so much of our story...our first home, not apartment, but home where we put our touches on it. The painting of the cupboards in the kitchen (oh the drama there!), getting the colour just right on the kitchen walls, picking the floors, oven, fridge...painting the nursery. This was where we brought our daughter home. This is her first home, where our family started. Yes, it's time to move on, but it's hard. I am sitting in our living room, boxes and un-boxed items filling the floor space, but our couch, TV, Delanah's toys, the cuckoo clock, are still here. I can pretend that we're just cleaning out the crawl space, but tomorrow I can't. Tomorrow afternoon I will walk through the front door and enter an empty living room, I will walk through the dining room with memories of Delanah's first solids, bum scoots, first toddling steps running through my mind. I will climb the stairs and not need to open and close baby gates, I will see the bathroom we painted, the tub she had her first "real" bath in. Then I will look into her first room and see the colours we so joyfully painted on the walls before we met her. The imprints of where her crib, dresser, changing table and glider will still be in the carpet. I rocked her to sleep so many times in that room, battled diaper changes, watched her sleep... These memories I will cherish. These walls protected us from so many storms, brought Dave and I closer, watched our family grow, kept Delanah and I safe while Dave was away. I am going to miss this house. It's silly, it's just a house, my family is still going to be together, we're just starting a new chapter in our life.

...but I can still shed a few tears....