On our own...

This has been an interesting week to say the least. One week ago an important member of our family left for another business trip. We survived last week, but man, I overschedule majorly! I was absolutely exhausted by Thursday morning and it was not my proudest mommy moment. I hate those. Thankfully I had a lovely morning with a new friend and all was well by the time Dave made it home. Delanah was just too adorable when Dave pulled into the driveway; ran out to the car, arms outstretched yelling "Dada, Dada!" It brought tears to my eyes, she missed him SO much.

We had him home for about 22 hours before he left on his next trip. Had to wake the wee one from her nap so she could say bye. We had a chance to talk before he left and he asked if I was okay. Am I okay? That's a hard question to answer. If I was on my own? Sure, I'll miss him, but I know I'll be fine. When she was younger, sure, it was hard, but we managed. Now......I just don't know. She knows he's gone. One of the first things out of her mouth this morning was "Where's Daddy?" Talk about breaking my heart when I had to tell her that he was working. I hate that she misses him so much and that the one thing that she really wants and needs is the one thing I can't give her. So am I okay? Not really. I'm Mommy, I'm supposed to make everything better and I can't.

So.....I get to make things really fun for her. Did you know that you could get a toddler really excited about cleaning cupboards? It's awesome!!! This morning we dismantled her crib, she was the best little helper, rearranged her room and vacuumed and straightened up upstairs. Productive, made it fun for her and not once did she ask about Daddy. Now if I can just figure out the rest of the week....

I can't do it all.....

So here it is again, a little after 6 am, I have been up since 2:15am after falling asleep around 11pm. I have an incredibly full day today, Sunday school followed by a quick turn around to a play date downtown, then I need to be ready and available for a sharing session with Dave and then I have committed myself to treating a friend. I am so damn tired. So tired that I often feel nauseated; so tired that I don't have the energy/patience to be the mom I want to be for Delanah; so tired that I have a hard time finding the good in my life. I hate being this tired. I hate not sleeping. I hate the dark thoughts that creep into my head when I'm like this.

Is there a medical reason for my insomnia? Not sure, but I don't think so. I think it's all stress. Stress from all the tasks/people towering over me. When do I get time where I don't have to think about someone else's needs? Why do I feel guilty thinking that way? Oh, sure, I've been told to take some time to myself, but does anything helpful get done while I'm gone? No. I've now just wasted several hours when I could have been completing tasks at home and now I need to factor in when I can get those done. I was told Friday to go to MOPS and then the fabric store with my mom. I came home to laundry sitting, unfolded, on my bed, dirty laundry thrown on the floor of the laundry room (vs the basket a mere 2 feet away), none of the promised vacuuming done, dirty clothes (potty training accident) left in a bathroom sink (that's always fun), no messes cleaned up....awesome. So my "relaxing" time away was now looked at with jaded eyes as I see that I should have stayed home to clean as now I have to factor time in for that somewhere else in my day.

Today I get to teach Sunday school, attend a play date, muster enthusiasm listening to D tell me about his weekend of reflection away from his everyday stress, and then treat a friend as promised. Oh, and clean, plan every meal, and figure out what phone calls I need to make tomorrow to set up the rest of the week.

I am tired, so tired. And when I get this way it is very hard for me to find the good in my life. I am irritable, short, grouchy and apparently ready for a battle. My DH has been at a Men's Retreat this weekend through our church; I should be so happy for him and rejoicing that he is making some much needed strides in his faith, but here I sit, irritated as heck because I have had not the greatest weekend, I have had no time off from my job and stressors and I know that in one week I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks. When is it my turn? When do I get to renew myself? When do I get to sleep? Have 5 hours off in a day for reflection knowing that things are actually getting accomplished at home?

I feel like I am in one of those taffy pulling machines. I am getting stretched thinner and thinner, I haven't broken, yet, but I am so close.......

Life

This weekend looks to be a tough weekend. This afternoon I learned that my high school choir teacher passed away. This morning my parents dropped off their dogs on their way to the airport, my Dad's brother is not expected to make it through the weekend. Was I particularly close to either one? Not by the literal definition, no, but they are both affecting my life currently.

Last weekend I found out that my former choir teacher, G, had suffered a brain aneurysm and was in the hospital. What a flood of memories that brought. I remembered the encouragement he always gave me with my singing, the oasis that was the choir room during my high school years, the experiences I got to have at such a young age... The most vivid memory for me though was after I left high school. I was at college and still lacking confidence in my singing voice, I decided not to audition for any groups. I was in the "catch all" choir and we were singing for the director to be placed in our proper sections. The director put me into a small audition choir, there were only 3-4 people per section, and complimented me (what I felt was a lot) on my singing voice. I remember contacting Gary and sharing my news, I told him I was surprised. His response, "I'm not". It seems like such a small thing, but meant so much to me, and still does. He had confidence in me, still such a shy person, and simply by being himself he shared that with others...what a great gift to have. We lost touch, but I never forgot him. I am sad that I never told him what a wonderful influence he was on me, I really should tell his wife and sons. He was a great man and an honor to know.

My dad's brother is in the final stages of lung cancer. The call came last week that they were looking at a month; the call came two days ago that they weren't expecting him to make it past the weekend. My dad had just taken the time and opportunity to get to know his brothers in recent years, especially this year. I never knew this part of the family, and there were so many family secrets that kept us all apart. So many walls have been broken down, and I will not get the chance to know my uncle. He has been married almost 40 years, my heart hurts for his wife. His children are my age, his grandchildren Delanah's age. I see how much DG loves and cherishes her Papaw, I am so saddened for the grandchildren not getting the chance to really know their grandfather. And my cousins...I can't imagine losing my dad right now, I can't imagine losing him ever.

I wrote a card to my Aunt Karen and family. I never know what to say in a situation like this, but I felt the need to let them know that I was thinking about them and praying for them. I know that for G and my uncle their time of peace is coming. What a joyous reunion they will have...but what about those left behind? My heart is hurting for those I've never met...it's going to be a tough weekend.

I get it now

Amazing what a lot of prayer, a good sermon and some sleep can give you, perspective. I have felt a peace today that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt the sermon this morning was made just for me, and I took it to heart.

I haven't been living my life for Him, I've been doing it for me. I have been selfish in many of my actions, and that has not made my family harmonious. Now, I am not playing a martyr and blaming everything on myself, far from it. I am acknowledging my contribution and am working towards making it right, making our family unit work better and reaching our goals together.

We sat down this afternoon and did a ping-pong sort of talk. I told him what I needed from him, and we discussed it, and then he addressed what he needed from me. We both were open and accepting, honest and loving, it was amazing and wonderful. How is it that two people are going along similar paths, but don't seem to notice that it's not always the same path? I know how to blend in my need to work and be home for my family. Am I starting my own business? Not anytime soon! I am needed here, and I love that I have been acknowledged for what I do. I am excited to move forward, to begin again and face the new challenges together.

Peace. I didn't know I was missing it. I didn't know what I was missing.