Kind of lost

I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment. We are down to less than 2 weeks until we move and I am the emotions are starting to come. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping, but man, I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat, and often I do! I'm going through the "lasts"...last visit to a certain park, last visit to a certain store, etc. I hate "lasts". They bug me, yet I can't help but do them!

This weekend was our last visit to Meemaw and Papa's house before the move. Well, technically D will be staying there a few days next week and we'll be there the night before we fly out, but it was the last relaxed weekend there before the move. It was tough being the one who had to keep it together. Mom and Dad are going to miss D so much. It doesn't help that she doesn't understand that Meemaw and Papa aren't going to be as close at the new house. It's going to be pretty darn tough explaining to her why we can't hop into the car and see them on the weekends. Yup, pretty sucky when all I wanted to do was cry and I felt like I had to keep it together for everyone else.

Mom and I escaped this afternoon to get some items I needed to get before the move when I received the most unexpected phone call. D just finished another round of ISR refresher lessons on Friday. Just a few days ago. The woman introduced herself and asked if we had scheduled ISR lessons with her teacher, Ms. Cindy. I figured it was some sort of new program where perspective parents called currently enrolled parents to find out more about the lessons and the instructor. Considering it's such a huge commitment, it made sense to me. What I didn't expect was for her to then tell me that Ms. Cindy passed away yesterday. I just can't wrap my mind around that. She was so young. We just saw her Friday. I was making plans to bring D back once a year to see her, to send pics of D swimming.....I just can't wrap my mind around it. I felt for the woman who had to make all the calls to the parents. She's known Ms. Cindy for 15 years...what an awful job to have. Then I thought of Ms. Cindy's family. We used to talk a lot during the lessons, she has two daughters in their 20's. D reminded her of her youngest. She was thinking of retiring from teaching after 20 years. Don't know how it happened, I didn't think that was appropriate to ask. The woman did offer to let me know about funeral arrangements and I hope she does. Ms. Cindy gave D skills that will last her her lifetime. D loves water, has self rescue skills, is enthused about swimming. What a wonderful legacy to pass on to so many kids and families.

I've been praying for her family all day. Would I feel like this if I weren't pregnant? I can't say. My heart hurts for her family. What am I going to say when D asks for her? We were talking tonight before bed and she said a phrase and I asked her who said that and her whole face lit up and she said "Ms. Cindy!" Yup, she adored Ms. Cindy. I've not seen her get so excited with many other people like that before. I trusted her with my child. I handed over my precious little girl daily for these tough lessons and I am so grateful that I did. What a wonderful gift she has given us.

I always give a little gift at the end of our weeks of lessons. This time I was running late and almost didn't; figured I would stop by in the next few weeks and drop it off. For some reason I took the time and sat down and wrote her a thank you note expressing exactly how much she meant to D and to our family. I left that note along with a boomerang (for our move to Oz) for her. I really hope she read it. I hope she knew how much she meant to our family.

I just don't know what to think or feel right now. I am glad I listened to my God whisper on Friday and wrote that note. I need to open my ears and heart more to these whispers.

Really bad, no good, horrible day...

....or at least an hour of a day. Today my darling daughter turned into someone I really didn't like. It's hard to say that. How can a mom not like her own child? Ahhh....let me tell you... (Keep in mind that I do not have to like her to still love her and be willing to do anything for her).

Today started out so well. She woke up happy, we were on time, things were getting done, good times. We had a play date with friends, she played well, had good manners, shared toys. Then came time to go home. She didn't want to leave. She started making hitting and kicking motions towards me, then she made contact. Straight to time out. Then the screaming started. The "I am so mad right now and I am going to make everyone within a mile radius know exactly how mad I am" scream. We tried to get her to leave the house, no go, she had worked herself into quite a state. The host, her daughter and myself all walked out the front door hoping she would follow. Nope. Had to carry my child football hold while she was kicking and screaming. Awesome. The real fun started once we got in the car and my precious child began scratching, pinching and slapping me. Where did she learn those behaviours? Where did my little girl go and who was this little fighter?

Not better when we got home and she went after Dave's shins. Yes, she was tired, and no, she didn't want to leave the play date, but really? It was awful. She woke from nap and came in full of cuddles and apologized to me. I don't not like her anymore, but man, hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your child is pummeling you.

I really hope this isn't a preview of what's to come. Maybe life will be a bit more calm once we move and there is a tad more stability for her. Ugh. Today was not a good day.

First day off

So here I am, in the countdown to our move. Today is my first day "off" in quite a long time. Still enough time before the move that there is nothing absolutely pressing that needs to be done today, kidlet is at school, and here I sit, no real idea of what I am going to do with myself! Oh, there are so many things to be done, but where do I start? A nap sounds sooooo good; such a guilty pleasure. Do I give in now or wait until something is actually accomplished? I did manage to get the trash out on time this morning...can that count as my accomplishment?

I am grateful that I am not feeling as sick this morning, seems like my poor body hasn't been able to catch a break since the kidney stone incident. I'm not sleeping that well, very vivid and strange dreams...only 29 more weeks of that! I can sense that my time of stomach sleeping is coming to an end soon...so sad. In some of my dreams I am even dreaming about sleeping on my stomach, guess I'm more worried about that than I thought! Still not ready for all the changes that are happening to me/within me right now. You know, I think with the move I got so used to hanging out in denial that I just apply that to all aspects of my life now. Denial is a comfortable place to be.

Back to my query....what should I do with myself today? I need to clean (boring), laundry (boring), but I really want to pull out my cross stitch and start working on my project again. Hmmmm...responsible parent today or slacker? Sigh, responsible parent first, slacker second. Sometimes making adult decisions sucks.

Another year...

Tomorrow is my birthday. Usually I get so excited about my birthday, but not this year. There is so much going on this year; seems every holiday/major event has crept up on me and caught me by surprise. Apparently this includes my birthday. I am not excited about tomorrow, although I was proud that I actually said out loud today how old I am, which was a first this year. Yup, just not excited about tomorrow. I told Dave I was going to make my own birthday dinner (as I like it when I make the recipe best) and maybe share a cupcake with the family. He was disappointed, but was okay with the idea. I mean, we both work tomorrow, I am dealing with a new (and quite inexperienced) tech so my day is going to be more stressful than normal, so why not a quiet evening at home?

This morning we met up with some friends at the park. My girlfriend, bless her heart, demanded that we drop Delanah off at her house tomorrow night for dinner and for Dave and I to have a date. I wasn't sure at first, but with some convincing I agreed and now we're both excited to have a date tomorrow night!

This next year holds so many new adventures for us. We have a move, we may add to our family, there's a new town/country to explore...so many new things to look forward to this year. Yet I can't get excited about my birthday. Hmmm. Well, here's to hoping I can conjure up some energy/excitement for tomorrow.

Death of a friendship?

When a friendship ends, is it quickly? Slowly? Is there a lot of noise or does it just sort of fade quietly? Most of my friendships remind me of swells in the ocean, sometimes they're a huge presence in my life, at other times they are more in the background, but still present. Those are the friendships that last, and have lasted, for years. The friendships I have the hardest time with are the needy ones. Hmmm...is needy the right word? I mean the kind that are constant presence dependent; if you are there and available daily, the friendship seems to "work", if you are not available for every phone call/text/email, things begin to change.

I am always sad initially when I see a friendship begin to fade, but I need to step back and evaluate the situation. Do I have the time and energy to devote to this one relationship? How is this relationship affecting my life? Sometimes it's worth the fight, sometimes you need to let it go. I am at the letting go stage in one friendship, and I almost feel like a spectator, watching it fade away. I don't think it will ever be gone completely, but I don't see it returning to how it was.

This upcoming international move has been stressful in many areas, and I don't see that stress abating anytime soon. I know I am going to have to rely on friends and their offers of help, which is hard for me to do, but I can't do it alone. What is becoming so evident to me is that I have some wonderful people in my life. I have my core group of friends offering all the support they can give and demonstrating understanding when I have other chores taking me away from play dates and phone calls. I have periphery friends who have come out of the shadows and offering help that I never expected. It's humbling to have so many people wanting to help us with this move.

Yes, it is sad to see a friendship come to an end, but having so many others offer their support has lifted my spirit. I am very blessed.

Sleep?

Sometimes I feel like I will never sleep again. My house is quiet right now, after some rough starts, my beautiful family is asleep. Poor DG had a hiccup with waking up crying, but after some cuddles and a story she has drifted off to dream again. My wonderful husband is fighting a bug and struggling to get decent sleep. Me? I am exhausted beyond words and still awake...why? Sigh....such is my lot right now it seems.

I am in my second week of work now and I love it! I get nervous the night before I work, afraid that my skills are not up to par, that I'll do something horribly wrong, etc. Once I am in the clinic I feel comfortable, in my element. I enjoy my patient load (growing all the time) and there are some challenges in there for me! I am remembering how much of a headache it is to deal with insurance and doctors...oye! Glad I'm just a contract worker and don't have any more interactions with them than I do! Delanah had a great day at daycare today making me feel a little less guilty about working. Yay!

Things are progressing towards our move to Melbourne. The official announcement has come out in the company, we can finally tell people! There's been a positive response from work friends, I've even received some texts :) Shoot, even my new coworkers are excited for me; that's a nice benefit I wasn't expecting. Tomorrow I get to wade through the paperwork to get Piper a place to live and get the ball rolling for Bailey's trip. So many things to do! Now that the announcement is out, I guess I don't get to pretend that it's not really happening anymore :)

Okay, I must get some sleep. Tomorrow we get to play with bubbles in the sink and make cookies. I love having fun mother/daughter days!

Insomnia

Yes, this is a subject I have visited before and it's back in my life again, in a bad way. Last night I was unable to fall asleep until 3:30. Looks like I am going for later than that tonight! Sigh.....

This afternoon, as I was sharing my insomnia woes with my hair dresser, she said that it was like I had the tasmanian devil in my head at night. That's the perfect description! I am fine all day, waiting for the chance to head to bed and get some much needed sleep, but when that time comes, all my fears/anxieties/stressors come out of the woodwork. This is brutal! After being sick all last week, I am ready to have a relaxing weekend and de-stress. Maybe get some things done around the house. But no. I spend my nights anxious because I am not asleep and I spend my days trying to stay awake. Vicious, very vicious.

The topics of the moment? Everything that has to do with this move. Can I get Piper into the Gabriel Foundation? How do I select a pet relocation service? How do I know that they're going to help me get Bailey into Australia? When are we going to move? When is Dave going to start traveling? Am I going to be getting this family ready for an international move alone? Is Dave going to move to Melbourne before us? Am I going to be a single parent? How am I going to get this done and work? Do I have the skill set to work? Am I going to be able to get enough sleep in to work? What about all the small details that are required for the move? Is Dave going to understand my concerns? Is he going to help me? Am I going to do this on my own? How?

Yeah, that's a lot of stuff to be whirling around your head while you're trying to sleep. I wish we had no plans for tomorrow. I wish we could hang out here as a family and process everything that's going on. But no, we are going to some friends for dinner. Church in the morning, home for lunch, then I have errands to try to run, then off to dinner, home, tired, another sleepless night as nothing has been resolved. And then Dave is gone for the week. It just doesn't sound fun to me. I wonder if I can manipulate things a little. I can't have an entire week of Dave and I not talking about these details.

Yes, I get caught up in details. It's my personality. We don't have to like it, but we have to deal with it. Oye....I hate insomnia.

I hate not sleeping

So, thanks to stress, for the past week I have been unable to sleep before 1-2am. Awesome. Unfortunately DG has not gotten the memo that I need to sleep in past 6:30am. Sigh..... When am I going to get a break? I really think I need to look into some sleep study programs. This is just crazy and I feel like I am my breaking point.

I am finally feeling healthy again and would love to be able to rest and make sure that I really do get completely healthy. Last week was not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Do I get to rest tomorrow? Of course not! That would be too easy. Instead I get to do 2 things that are fun and a crap load of things not fun. I am fasting right now (note to self, do not eat a veggie burger as your last meal if you're going to fast, they don't last long at all) in order to experience the joy of a glucose tolerance test. No appointment scheduled, so I get to sit in a very unclean feeling waiting room with heaps of people tomorrow morning waiting for my sugar drink. Last Saturday there was one person before me and I still had to wait almost 45min to get blood drawn....SOOOO excited to do this after my stomach has been growling for hours on end (started growling at midnight - haven't figured out how to sleep through that yet). My plan is to stake out my place in line before they even open in the morning, we'll see how well that goes. While I let the sugar percolate in my blood stream I get to share the moving news with someone I considered a friend. I say considered as apparently I have committed some kind of faux paux that has her cutting me out of her scheduled play dates. Do I really need to put myself through this? My plan was to let her find out with everyone else on facebook, but that could make for an uncomfortable 5 months for the rest of my friends and I. Sigh...... With my short time between sugar drink and blood draw I think it's going to be a dump and run...dump the news and run back to get blood drawn so I can eat! Not ideal, but I want to be able to announce to move by the end of the weekend and this has to be done.

I think I will head home for some food, then back out again to get my hair cut, I need to get some pants for work, and then home again possibly in time to get a nap in before we have our afternoon BBQ guests arrive. Sometime tomorrow evening we need to call my in-laws and share the news, call my BIL and share the news and convince DG that taking less than an hour to get to bed is preferable. I am already dreading Saturday........

Why does sleep escape me? Why does this insomnia stick around? Why can I only think about quieting my still growling stomach? Seriously, I could never do a cleanse diet, I hate feeling hungry!

A blast from the past....

Tonight a friend from high school posted a group pic from my senior Winter Formal. There I was, in the same dress as a friend (oops!) with my high school boyfriend. This is the same person who just got engaged. It was a strange moment, looking at this picture, trying to remember who I was at 17, thinking I was "in love", that my whole world was going to revolve around many of those people in the picture..... I think I am "friends" with only 2 people in the picture, there were about 20 of us in the picture. Oh how times change.

Hearing that your "first love" is engaged is enough to take you back a bit, but getting that news as you are looking at a high school pic is another sort of trippy. To add another fun element, I was cuddling next to my adorable, loving hubby while I was viewing all this. My husband, whom I love, who has just spent the past 4 days exhausting himself taking care of his sick wife and daughter. What a strange moment! I had to stop and think, could I really see myself with my high school boyfriend as an adult? Hmmm....as much as I try, nope, not at all. I can't imagine myself with anyone other than my hubby; isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I love getting the chance to walk down memory lane with these photos, but it's also really interesting to me to see how other people can see the same picture. As I am reading the comments underneath people are talking about what a great night it was, what great people, how people helped form them into who they are and all I can think is....what the heck did I miss in high school?! Yeah, high school helped developed who I was, but I remember very few details about that dance, I don't recall most of the people in the picture, and I sure as heck don't think it was a pivotal moment in my life. All this from one picture.....or maybe my cold meds are stronger than I think......

Gone?

Oh, today started out so well! DG and I had cuddles in bed, read stories, talked, what a great way to start the morning. Then off we went to meet some friends to play. The place was crowded, but still a fun time. Had a great lunch and DG put herself down for a nap! I had a rest, we had a relaxing after nap time, loaded up into the car again and headed off to get her new play area for the yard! We met a friend there and got down to trying to load this beast into 2 cars. Before the first piece was even in we had an incident...DG fell and we were worried about her hand. SO many tears, my poor baby. She's a trooper though and I think she liked laughing at us trying to fit everything in :)

We ended up having to put 2 pieces on top of my car and I was so worried about our gusty winds and the long drive home that I took off my wedding band and engagement ring and put them in the front pocket of my jeans so I could pull that rope just a little tighter. Finally loaded up we headed for home. No problems getting home, we had those suckers tied down tight! Went out for a lovely dinner, came home with an overtired/overstimmed little girl. Had a nice chat with Dave, read some stories and thought I would throw one more load in the wash before bed. Checked my back pockets, pulled out some papers, in everything went. About 10 min in, as I was battling my aforementioned overtired little one, I realized that I had left my rings in my front pocket...Oh no! Stopped the washer, reached in and pulled out my wedding band, phew, reached in again....nothing.....

Wait, what? How could there be nothing in there? I spun the water out of the washer, pulled every item out and checked every nook and cranny. No engagement ring. Panic starting to set in. Let's look again. Maybe it fell out in the closet. The clothes basket? The hallway....... Nothing. Nada. Zip. The tears start coming. Is it really gone? How? I mean really, how?! How did the wedding band stay in my pocket and my precious engagement ring did not? Sobbing. How will Dave take this? This was the ring he picked out for me, held in his pocket while the nerves jumbled through him before he asked me to marry him. This was the ring I would stare at (bathroom light still the best!). This is the ring I couldn't wear during my pregnancy and for 2 years afterwards. I just had it re-sized. I was wearing it daily again. And now. Gone? Really? Forever? I hope not.

I am numb. I am tired. Crying that hard can really take it out of you. Crying too hard to call Dave tonight. Tomorrow I will start the phone calls. Did it fall out before we were done tying the pieces on? Is it still there? What about at the restaurant tonight? Sigh.....it was such a good day. No accidents, DG and I had so much fun together. And then this. I will not let this mar my memories of today. But it still just sucks.

You're kidding, right?

Ah, never a dull moment in this household. Monday was trial day at day care. I cried, no one else did. I'm beginning to think DG didn't even notice I was gone, or if she did, it didn't bother her! I had to ask for a hug when I picked her up, and she was in no rush to leave. Today was the same thing, but worse. I was actually told to "wait minute. Nah playing game" Really? Sigh.... I should be ecstatic, she's adjusted way better, and faster, than I ever imagined. She did cry today...when I told her that we had to go home...after 15 min of trying to convince her of it...awesome. Seriously, it's gone heaps better than I could have dreamed and I am glad we found a good place for her.

Monday I was getting lots of texts from Dave, trying to keep my spirits up, and mid morning it was "95% certain" that we were moving to Australia. By dinner it was up to 98%. Still waiting on that phone call from HR. Still, without that last 2% I can't tell my local friends (who know nothing about this blog). I must say, I am impressed with my ability to keep my mouth shut! The phone call should be coming in a few days, I'm looking forward to seeing what it includes.

Monday I also got an email attachment from another pet relocation organization. This was 8 pages of instructions for getting Bay into Oz, and oh my! As I was reading the steps and timeline to Dave I think he finally got it. I wasn't just freaking out for no reason, there is a lot to do to get her over there. Miss a step, do one out of order, and it means either a longer quarantine or denied entry! Today was a call to the vet to make sure that Bay was caught up on her vaccinations; there was one particular one that didn't ring a bell and had to be done no less than 6 months prior to entry into Australia. Guess which one she doesn't have? Oh, and guess which one is a 2 part vaccination, 30 days apart? Yeah.......... Looks like we won't be able to get her over there before mid-October! So much for leaving in August! Make me kind of want to wait until after DG's birthday to go over there though, so she can celebrate it here with her friends. Shoot, I could do this all day until I make it so that we're not moving over there for another year!

And so it begins. I am mostly done with the roller coaster of emotions that have come with this transfer. Hmmmm, on second thought, I think I have perfected pushing them down and ignoring them. I haven't told my friends, haven't cried with them, so it's not really happening, right? I have been grateful for day care this week, it would have been a lot harder to get all the phone calls and errands done with DG in tow.

Trippy. This week has been very trippy.

I hate daylight savings....

Really, I do. It doesn't help that I was up until 2am (or was it 3am? Stupid time change) finishing up a book. Thanks for that mom....yeah, I'd like to blame everyone for my excessive tiredness except me. Is that wrong?

Up and at 'em we were this morning, bright and a little too early, to head into church. Today was Dave's first day teaching Sunday school with me! No coffee for either one of us, it could have been really good (other people forgetting about the time change and not coming on time) or bad....no coffee, lots of kids...eeek! Thankfully his first day was a good one. Not a lot of kids, they listened well, we even got the art project done! He'll be coming back! On the way out we spoke to another teacher who is going to use Dave's presence to get her husband to come in and help out as well...recruiting the dad's one by one!

Got home and I was sent in for a nap first, then Delanah and Dave got to escape to a golf lesson. Now it's dinner time, I am ready for bed and it's still bright out. I hate daylight savings time.

As I expend all this energy on hating the time change, at least my mind isn't wandering to tomorrow as much as it could. Tomorrow is DG's trial day at daycare. My baby girl is going to spend the day away from me...sniff, sniff. I have 3 weeks until I start working, and I'd like to get her used to going to daycare the 2 days a week before I actually start working, but this is going to suck. If she does well tomorrow then we are enrolling her, starting her 2 days a week this week. As we were walking home from the park this afternoon it hit me that if we do daycare 2 days this week, and with her spending the weekend with my parents, I am going to go from seeing her 7 days/week to seeing her only 2 1/2 days this week! Eeeeeeeeek! Tomorrow I am going to scrub my house to death, focus on my chores and aching muscles rather than the fact that she won't be here, and if she is gone Wed I am cleaning out my basement. All things that need to be done, but I am doing this week to keep my mind off of the fact that she won't be here. Man I'm gonna miss my little girl.

Ouch...

I think I am too old to work! Oye. This morning was my first day covering a whole day at work, starting at 7 am. Really? I used to do this before? I could be awake and ready to treat someone by 7 in the morning? Seriously? Huh.....

I had so much fun today. I was PT Moni, people listened to what I had to say, I got the answers for them from somewhere, I was able to help people feel a little better and I had so many adult conversations! It was wonderful! Did I miss Delanah? Of course. I'm used to spending all day with her. But I would by lying if I didn't say how good it felt to step back into my working shoes. It did take some time for us all to step back into our roles once I got home though. I think we're all used to me being home; DG and Dave had a harder time with my role as a working mom.

So, the ouch is on two levels. 1 - my right SIJ is trashed. It's been bothering me for some time, but standing all day today, yeah, not the best thing ever. I was in a whole heap of pain tonight; felt so old! 2 - I love working, but I hate coming home to have Dave tell me how wonderful everything was. How there were no issues, attitudes were great, etc. Makes me feel like I can't get anything done when I am home normally. Now, to be honest, nothing that I usually get done was done. DG was in day care, no vacuuming, no play dates, no errands, no cleaning, no laundry. But still, it would be nice to hear a "we missed you" and "thank you for all you do when you're home"....my issues, my issues.

While I was still working I was offered a few more days at the end of the month, and I might take them. I need to look into day care options and whether or not Meemaw can watch DG for me those days. It's just nice to have that option right now. It's nice getting paid, yes, but I love what it does for my frame of mind...I love feeling like I have something to contribute. I think I am rambling again. I am so darn tired! I don't remember work making me this tired before.

Hard phone call

Tonight the wee one and I called Meemaw and Papa as a treat at the end of our day. DG was SO excited to share her thoughts with them. She pulled out her toys and imagination and let me have a chance to chat with mom and dad for awhile. We talked about Nana....her health seems to be going downhill and apparently she's starting to acknowledge that she's getting old. 85...wow....in my head she always seems 60 or 70. Mom and dad asked me to call her more frequently, or, you know, just call her. Guilt. There she is again. Guilt. Why don't I call? Write that letter I'm always meaning to write? Why is the internet more important? Why are the dishes more important? Guilt is mean and just sucks.

We spoke about mom's surgery this summer, her recovery timeline. So many things going on this summer. Earlier tonight Dave and I spoke about another conversation he had with the CEO. Dave is top on his list still, but it must go through all the right steps before it's officially offered. Dave had lunch with his mentor, even though this position doesn't really exist yet, his mentor mentioned to Dave that something like that would be great for him. All roads seem to be leading us here. I feel at peace with the decision. I seem to be finding great paths for the animals, groups for me to explore in Melbourne that will bring friends in a new place; so many more details to cover, but things still lead to us moving.

I hate not telling mom and dad. We're going to tell them this weekend. I expect a lot of tears, mine, moms, dad? Tonight I shared with kiddo that Meemaw and Papa were going to go sledding with us this weekend. She was so excited. She loves them so much, and the thought of separating them was like an arrow to my heart. It's just a few years, but I talk to my mom almost daily, my dad called this morning, just to say hi. Will I lose that? Will we write letters, send emails? Sigh.....those unknowns and fears are returning. Time to pray again. This is hard, this sucks, can we fast forward a little bit? Rewind a week or two?

Need to occupy my mind

So, here's the deal.....the position for Dave doesn't exactly exist yet. A new team is being built and suggestions for how it's going to be structured are being presented. Once that gets the okay, names are put forward and offers are made. This could take weeks! Oye!!!!

I had a mini breakdown last night about the whole situation. It's scary not knowing what's going on. Are we moving? Are we not? I still can't talk to most people as I am friends with wives of Dave's coworkers and it can't get back to the office. Sigh....this is a huge test! On a positive note, Dave and I had a really good talk about it last night and we were able to talk through several different scenarios and I am feeling much more secure in things. Now to keep myself busy......

Yesterday the kiddo and I met with our play group at Pump it Up, an indoor bouncy house play area. Yeah, big workout and my knees are hurting today! Heck, they hurt yesterday! I'm getting old....had lots of fun though and it was nice to have all the kiddos together again. They had a great time. I knew I needed to keep myself busy today so I planned on a nice, long walk for us all. Thought about backing out, using my knees as an excuse, but come on, I can't pull the wool over my own eyes! It was a lovely walk, a beautiful day and I am so glad we went. Popped in my ear buds and away we went with beautiful scenery and some wonderful, uplifting music in my ears. Always a good morning when I am getting exercise, enjoying time with my favorite munchkin and having some worship time. We all came home refreshed, in good spirits and quite happy. I am jealous as the kiddo and the dog are passed out and I get to mop the floor...

So, to occupy my mind, what to do, what to do. I have been reading a book about organizing your home to make more time for things you like to do. Lots of good ideas in there, getting me in the mood to purge things! I think that's a good start to getting my mind on something else. Now if I could only find the time. I figure I am going to continue on with life as if we were going to stay here, finish up projects, organizing, decorating, etc, and if we go, I'll take most things with us to set up house there. Heck, it's heaps cheaper to buy things here, might as well take advantage of it!

So for now I need to figure out how to make mopping a mind occupying activity. Over thinking gets me in to too much trouble.

I hate waiting!

Patience is a virtue...one that I was not born with apparently. No, that's not true. I have heaps of patience when it comes to baking, teaching Delanah to learn to climb, completing a cross stitch project, trimming off my split ends....but I have none, zip, nada when it comes to other things.

Background...last Thursday, in the hour that we had together after work and before his small group, Dave drops a small bomb on me. Right before he left the office the CEO came in to talk. The CEO is heading back to Australia to head up another division in the company. After some fishing, he unofficially offered Dave the position as head of Safety and Sustainability for this division....in Melbourne, Australia, beginning in about 6 months. WHAT?! My first reaction? Crying, fear, paralyzing fear. I'm not ready! What about my friends? My house? Our pets? My parents? My career? Overload!

We had a sitter for Friday night and were able to talk things out. In the 24 hours from bomb to date I was able to process things a bit more, and look at it from many different angles. This weekend we decided to move forward with the possibility of moving. He let the CEO know that he was interested in the position and now we are waiting for the formal offer....and waiting, and waiting..... Until we get the offer, and can see if this is something that is going to work for our family, I can't talk to anyone about it, can't tell my friends, can't move forward on many of the million things that will need to be done to make an international move happen.

Update: Just got a text from the hubby. Apparently things are...."complicated"... The new structure needs to get approved by the big CEO and then the names for the positions can be put forward and then an offer with salary, relocation, etc. Sigh....a test of patience is what this is.....

Free-range parenting

I recently had several discussions with different people about mom-petition, the competition that moms, consciously or unconsciously, have with each other...over everything. It came to light after having a friend over and noticing that we parent very differently. In my circle of friends/play group, I've noticed that we all parent very similarly. When the whole preschool thing came up some differences came out, but nothing huge. Having a friend in my house and see how we reacted so differently to situations made me think about how I would categorize my parenting.

I think I started out as a helicopter parent, I'm pretty sure my parents would agree :) I hovered over DG, boiled her pacifiers pretty much every time air hit them, drove myself nutty deep cleaning her toys (all the time), was over cautious about what foods she ate, where she played, etc. Then we started traveling. Yeah, that changed a lot of things. Hard to be really, really choosy when you have only airport restaurants to choose from to feed your child, or room service, or one horse towns...not many options there. It was painful at first, but I started letting go of some control.

Another thing that helped? My play group. What a wonderful group of women. Most of us were first time moms, muddling through everything, but open enough with each other to share our mistakes. One mom was on boy #3, and was she the most calm, relaxed mom I had met! We had many deep talks and those really helped me to see that raising a child should be fun, not all work. Kids are great little people and it's not about restricting their lives, but gently guiding them and in many cases, letting them discover things on their own. She introduced me to the book "Einstein Never Used Flashcards"...what a great book! Finally, there was my evidence (in the form of studies) that all of these flashy, gimmicky, expensive "learning tools" weren't a make or break when it came to my child's intelligence/development. Mommy guilt lifted!

Just yesterday there was an article on how harmful TV is to toddlers. Well, sure, if that's all they do. Do I feel that letting DG watch Dora is harming her? Heck no! Just this morning she got to watch Dora, and then we read books, discovered many fun new things in the grocery store, made cupcakes/a mess, vacuumed the mess, made lunch and went down for a nap. No flashcards, no drilling, and yet I think my daughter absorbed a lot this morning. Reviewed colors, talked about food, cooking, we counted, worked on fine motor movement, etc. I guess I can get technical too, make the fun we had this morning sound regimented, drilled, you know, all the stuff one "should" be doing to make sure their child gets ahead.

I hesitate to use this word, but I really do hate the program "your baby can read". Talk about a lot of fast talking, guilt inducing gibberish. What is the point of making parents feel that their not doing enough for their child if they aren't shoving flashcards in their face? Really? A 2 y.o. can read? Um, no. They have sight recognition, memorization, not reading. These are the kids that are going to burn out on books my 5th grade, so what happens to them when they are no longer reading? Great that they were "reading" at 2, but at 15? Hmmm...no thanks. I hate to see so many moms guilt induced, feeling like they aren't doing enough for their child if they haven't bought (bought in to) expensive programs. What happened to letting a child learn through play?

So back to my free-range parenting. I don't think I am so extreme that I fit into this category, but I definitely lean more towards this than a helicopter parent. We don't block off rooms to DG. She's allowed to get into cupboards in the kitchen, she knows which ones. She "helps" me cook and bake, a lot. Makes a lot of messes, but she's learning how to clean up too! I don't think it's necessary to watch her on closed-circuit television when she starts preschool. I let her play in dirt, play in snow, go sledding all by herself (on her insistence), and I let her pick out her own snacks once in awhile. I can understand where helicopter parenting comes from, I was once heading down that path myself, but at some point, kids need to start discovering things on their own. I must be doing something right. My child has an awesome vocabulary (uses it all. the. time.), great manners, is inquisitive, loves books and just today was showing off her prayer skills. I am trying not to jump on the mom-petition train, where I think my way is the best way, but I sit here today scratching my head over the helicopter parenting style.

Muddled thoughts

Ever been in a place where your thoughts seem to make no sense? Emotions seem to come out of left field, your mind travels to places you never wanted it to go, never imagined it would go. So here I sit, a headache teasing me, is it coming? Is light going to be painful? A darkened room, I should have napped, too late now, we leave in 30 min and I still have lunch to clean up, a bag to prepare...sigh....a morning wasted?

Is my life too happy? Are things going too well? What happens when these thoughts enter the conscious? Less of a prediction and more of self-proclaiming prophecy? When's the ball going to drop? What bad is coming my way? How will it affect my family? I hate this state. Is everything perfect? No, but we are happy. Why can't I just enjoy this time? Why do I feel that something bad is going to happen? Maybe I need more sleep...

Big girl bed

Well, this afternoon Delanah had her big girl bed delivered. After all the hemming and hawing I have been going through over getting her this bed over the past few weeks, it was all worth it. She was so excited about it! She was trying to make her bed and climb into it before I had everything in place. As I was working on putting it together she was dancing around the room telling me how excited she was. It was awesome :)

My little girl is growing up so fast! She is just so much fun these days. We came down and she at her lunch, more than what I can usually get in her, and was rushing upstairs to go climb into her bed. If I had known she's be this excited getting into bed, I would have done this weeks ago! It will be interesting to see if she stays in her bed all night tonight. After her sawing logs all morning, it would be nice to have a quiet sleep tonight :)

My little one...she has been great company while Dave is traveling. She has been entertaining in her understanding of new things, in her sentences, in her new words. Always something new. I love this stage of life!

Snow and rain

Today was an interesting day. We got over 9" of snow yesterday and it was colder than heck today...good day to stay inside. Dave shoveled the walk this morning, so really no reason to go out. Delanah is sick, sick, sick! Poor thing is all congested, blowing snot rockets grown men would be proud of and has a nasty cough that has my radar up. So we had lots of cuddles (I love cuddles!), some finger painting, marathon cartoon cuddling/watching and I was serenaded a few times as well :)

During "nap" time (we were cuddling on my bed together) I was perusing some newspapers online and came across some articles on the flooding in Australia. We haven't spoken to Dave's parents in a few weeks and I have been trying to keep up with the weather/flood reports online, but it's hard to find the information you want some days. Anyhoos, much to my surprise there were all these reports on flash flooding in Toowoomba! What the heck! Right through the CBD too! Quickly I am typing away checking on Ros and Bruce and trying to get more info. Why can't I find a good international news station here?

Tonight Dave and I took some time to look at some video of the flood and wow..... A few months ago Delanah and I were in the Denver Aquarium and they have an area there that shows/describes how a flash flood happens. It was an interesting exhibit and as I was watching the videos tonight I kept getting snippets in my head from what the exhibit was saying. It's just a whole different ballgame when you see it playing out before you, in an area you know.

I am worried about Ros and Bruce. They aren't in the flash flood area, but Warwick has had flooding and there is no immediate end in sight for the rain. Very scary. I haven't felt this far away from them in a long time. We were just there! I am grateful this didn't happen while we were there, but I wish we were there to help them as well; does that make sense? I am calling tomorrow afternoon, just to check on them, and hopefully get some piece of mind. Prays are definitely called for tonight.

Why am I still sick?!

Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Okay, okay, I will admit that maybe I've been pushing myself a bit too far...not eating right, not drinking enough water, not enough sleep, too much stress...but still, what right does that give you to attract every illness out there right now? Flu? Check. Cold? Check, check. Bronchitis? Check. Enough already!!!!

It feels so good to be home. Today I got a lot more help, without complaints, from Dave than I've had in a long time. First time in about 2 1/2 months of traveling that I haven't had to empty the suitcase! That's huge! I was able to get my first day of rest in many, many weeks and for that I am very grateful. I do think DG is coming down with something though, started in on a cough this morning, I'm worried. I have been trying really hard to keep her healthy! She has an amazing immune system! I am just thankful that we don't have anything major planned for several months now.

Tonight I ventured out to the store with Dave and Delanah to get groceries for the week. Earlier I perused the Weight Watchers website and pulled down several recipes that I wanted to try this week. I ate well while we were gone, made some good choices in food there, but I am so ready to get healthy, homemade meals back into our bodies! It was tough for me to see the bill get so high (I misplaced my coupons), but it will do that when the majority of the things in the cart were fresh produce. It's a learning process. Way cheaper than if we ate out every night, and heaps healthier too, I just need to change my way of thinking.

Tonight was a wonderful dinner! Isn't it funny how you can feel the healthy food make your body smile? Ahhhhhh.... Tomorrow I have another fun meal to make; comfort food WW style. As it's supposed to be cold and snowy, I think it will be appreciated by all.

Off to bed to dream of healthy meals, to give my body much needed rest and to start renewing my health.